Internet users want more crap on page


INTERNET users want websites to be crammed with as much superfluous crap as possible, according to new research.

Websites are currently experimenting to find out how many annoying adverts, surveys and links to Facebook, Reddit and StumbleUpon they can put on their pages before their users send them a case of wine.

Digital marketing expert Martin Bishop said: “Of course no-one knows why anyone would want to announce that they’ve just bought headphone cleaning solution from Amazon. But the internet is not about ‘why’, it’s about ‘now’.

“Internet users are sophisticated enough to know that without all these links and surveys it would be impossible for them to rate their favourite cartoon iguana.”




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Government announces moon-sized aircraft carrier

DEFENCE Secretary Philip Hammond has unveiled economy-boosting plans to build a gigantic, moon-shaped aircraft carrier.

The project will kickstart the moribund construction industry, halt defence lay-offs and confuse people into thinking it is not really an aircraft carrier at all.

Hammond said: “We will kidnap Harriet Harman and force her to watch as we obliterate Camberwell and Peckham. 78,605 voices will cry out in terror before suddenly being silenced, thus making it a marginal seat.”

But plans smuggled inside a small civil servant show that the aircraft carrier has several weaknesses, including an inability to launch Eurofighter Typhoon fighter jets and a really massive hole on the right hand side.