iPad 3 buyers must undergo series of degrading trials

PEOPLE who want an iPad 3 must complete a series of deliberately humiliating challenges, Apple CEO Tim Cook has confirmed.

Launching the device, Cook exuded quiet evil as he explained that, while the tablet is pretty much identical to its predecessor, the real development was that the company had decided to sadistically exploit its devotees.

He said: “Potential buyers of the new machine, which is really just 4% shinier than iPad 2, will be expected to prove themselves worthy.

“Apple outlets will be transformed into extravagantly cruel assault courses. Customers are to be shaved head to foot, dipped in tanks of fluorescent de-lousing fluid and then zipped into maggot costumes.

“On assuming the role of ‘maggot’, the customer may say nothing except ‘I am a maggot and I crave only the Apple’.

“The ‘maggots’ must squirm around a series of sheepdog-style obstacles as they are kicked and stamped on by our ‘evil Geniuses’ while Benny Hill-style music plays over the store PA.

“En route to the deliberately short-shipped iPad 3 there are various tasks designed to denigrate the participant, from eating a raw sheep’s brain out of a rusty wheelbarrow to, most notably, spending 20 minutes using a Blackberry Playbook in full view of their social group.

“Their final undertaking is ‘touch the tablet’ – up to fourteen maggots compete for a single iPad, they have to stand touching it with any body part and the lucky recipient is the last one to collapse. That could go on for some days, if they need the toilet they have to soil themselves.”

He added: “Maybe Steve wouldn’t have done this. But Steve is gone now.”



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My boss is starting to realise that I am lazy and shit at my job, which is a shame, because I quite enjoy playing Minesweeper and reading BBC news for sixty thousand a year. How can I get him off my case so I can get back to beating my high score on Solitare?
Air traffic control tower


Dear Frank,
If your work is anything like my class then you’ll have at least 16 colleagues with ADHD. Although individually, these people are annoying because they shout out in class and think it’s funny to throw Monster Munch at your head, as a group they can be a powerful resource. Say, for example, you accidentally watched High School Musical eight times instead of revising for an important maths test. All you have to do is offer each ADHD mentalist a whole packet of Fruit Gums about half an hour before the test and hey presto! You’ve got yourself a full scale riot. Teacher will be too busy trying to wrestle the fire extinguisher back, wiping the drawing of a big hairy cock and balls from the whiteboard and emptying urine out of his shoes to bother with a test and you’ll be free to draw love hearts on your Zac Efron poster for the rest of the afternoon.
Hope that helps!