iWatch just idiotic thing we came up with after a few pints, admits Apple

APPLE has finally admitted the iWatch is never going to happen because it was the result of a Thursday night pub crawl.

The tech giant said ‘wearable technology’ was ‘stupid’ and promised shareholders that from now on its product development would be ‘less boozy’.

Chief executive Tim Cook said: “I went out for what was supposed to be a couple of pints with our designer Jonathan Ive and some of the marketing guys, who it turns out are total piss-artists.

“After maybe the fifth pint, I said something about a tiny iPad you could wear on your wrist. I’m pretty sure I called it a wristband rather than a watch, but anyway.

“Ive was like ‘yeah, I can totally see it’, while the marketing guys just stood there, nodding like freaks and saying ‘game changer’ over and over again.

“Then the chat moved on, as usual, to taking the piss out of Microsoft until we were laughing so hard we could barely speak.”

He added: “I’d completely forgotten about it the next morning, but obviously one of the others thought I was being serious. I absolutely was not.”

Cook also stressed that anything he may have said that night about the durability of MacBooks was ‘total and utter bullshit’.


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Humans closer to ultimate sedentary experience

THE growing popularity of watching other people play computer games is a step forward for zero-effort entertainment, experts believe.

Experts believe Google’s $1bn valuation of a website where users watch strangers playing video games is part of a trend towards the ultimate non-participatory leisure experience.

Software developer Nikki Hollis said: “By comparison to looking at other people’s games of Pokemon, watching normal telly is a mental challenge on a par with reading War & Peace in a single sitting.

“Right now the question is how to make entertainment more suited to inert people.

“In the next Grand Theft Auto, characters will simply complete missions on their own, leaving the player free to go to sleep.

“LucasArts is planning a game based on Star Wars Part VII which involves players watching other players controlling Han Solo during a long bath. So you’ll just be watching someone occasionally hitting X to top up the hot water.”

Hollis said companies were now developing completely new, effort-free entertainment technology, such as the Sony WatchBall, a small plastic ball that trundles around a room which can be watched or completely ignored.

She added: “Microsoft is hoping to get a share of the market with a television that constantly explains what’s going on while tucking the viewer up under a large duvet.

“Our only limit is our laziness. In 2030 we’ll probably entertain ourselves by floating semi-conscious in a vat of liquid anaesthetic while listening to Enya.”