Students demand end to sunshine-revision link

BRITISH students have asked for their exams to be moved to when it is dark and pissing down.

The proposal has been signed by more than 60,000 students revising for GCSEs, A-levels and university qualifications while gazing longingly out of windows.

Psychology student Francesca Johnson said: “We’re young, energetic and attractive. This weather needs us out there playing volleyball in halter tops.

“Instead we’re stuck inside reading textbooks, communicating with our equally isolated peers via shout-outs on Radio One.

“The terrible irony is we are almost completely idle for the rest of the year.”

The National Union of Students has lodged an official complaint with the UK’s educational institutions, along with a motion to change the word ‘revising’ to  ‘vising’ because nobody did the work first time around.

A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry said: “Do you think employers really want staff who know when the Corn Laws were abolished, or how to calculate the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle?

“The real point of education is to train workers who can ignore every natural human instinct to drop everything the minute the sun is out.

“Good luck to all the kids doing exams out there. Work hard now.”

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Government denies Buy A Massive House Free Money Woo Yeah! scheme is a stupid idea

FIRST-TIME buyers can now borrow unlimited money to buy a mansion or castle, George Osborne has confirmed.

Buy A Massive House Free Money Woo Yeah! is being advertised with posters showing money falling out of the sky and the slogan ‘A big house is a happy house’.

George Osborne said: “Hard-working young people feel frustrated when they see a picture of a nice roomy castle with its own swimming pool, banqueting hall and private zoo with monkeys, but they can’t have it due to lack of money.

“Then they feel sad inside, and that makes me feel sad too. Luckily I am in a position to dish out money so everyone can get on the castle ladder.

“The reason this will work is because once everyone has a really fucking big home they will feel inspired by their new surroundings, which will give them more energy to do lucrative overtime at work.”

The chancellor confirmed that in areas with large numbers of eager first-time buyers, helicopters will simply shower the landscape with £50 notes that can be repaid at some unspecified point in the future.