THE omnipotent John Lewis has descended from the heavens to stop customers taking the piss with free cakes.“You have eaten all my love”
The bearded retail deity’s eyes flashed with rage as he scorned greedy humans for exploiting his loyalty scheme.
My only wish was to reward you for unflinching faithfulness in one of the toughest retail climates since I created the universe.
But some were greedy, and did sign up to the scheme only for the free cakes and coffee, without buying so much as a pair of stockings.
The selfishness of the few has been the downfall of the many.
“Never again are you getting cakes for nothing, at least not without actually buying some stuff.”
John Lewis reminded mortals that he also runs the nicest supermarket chain.
Stop coming to Waitrose, buying a packet of crisps, then getting a free paper and hot drink.
“Anyone who does that will be named and shamed on a massive stone tablet outside our Bath store, that will be viewable for all eternity.”