John Lewis like a wrathful god

THE omnipotent John Lewis has descended from the heavens to stop customers taking the piss with free cakes.

“You have eaten all my love”

The bearded retail deity’s eyes flashed with rage as he scorned greedy humans for exploiting his loyalty scheme.

“My only wish was to reward you for unflinching faithfulness in one of the toughest retail climates since I created the universe.

“But some were greedy, and did sign up to the scheme only for the free cakes and coffee, without buying so much as a pair of stockings.

“The selfishness of the few has been the downfall of the many.

“Never again are you getting cakes for nothing, at least not without actually buying some stuff.”

John Lewis reminded mortals that he also runs the nicest supermarket chain.

“Stop coming to Waitrose, buying a packet of crisps, then getting a free paper and hot drink.

“Anyone who does that will be named and shamed on a massive stone tablet outside our Bath store, that will be viewable for all eternity.”

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Dawkins now just telling random strangers why he hates them

RICHARD Dawkins has taken to walking down the street saying horrible, unprovoked things to total strangers.

The scientist leaves his house in Oxford at 11am and immediately begins hurling brief insults at anyone who comes within 10 feet of him.

According to local residents, a typical 30 second burst will include phrases such as ‘please don’t have children’, ‘you look like a baptist’, ‘everything about your shoes sickens me’ and ‘your face seems to be inside out’.

Neighbour Martin Bishop said: “If he sees a woman in a burka coming towards him he’ll shout, ‘oh fucking hell, here we go’.”

After an hour of ‘strolling abuse’ Dawkins will then go into a local cafe and choose a table next to two people having a conversation.

Victim Jane Thomson revealed: “He listened to us for about a minute and then leaned over, apologised for interrupting and told me I was an ‘evil cretin’ and my friend Sarah was a ‘scandalous waste of evolution’.

“I tried to explain to him that we were just talking about Sarah’s eight year-old son starting judo classes, at which point he got very angry and said it was like talking to a pile of elephant dung.”

Dawkins said last night: “Why do I do it? What an immensely stupid question.

“Go and pick the nits off one of your friends.”