I’m totally raging. If the rumours are true, that devious cow Jennifer Lawrence is trying to poach my husband. She might profess to emulate me by being an Oscar winner but does she have a profoundly irritating lifestyle company, a series of patronising cookbooks and the ability to live two parallel existences whilst getting off with John Hannah? No. I didn’t think so. Exemplary survival skills or not, I’m going to hunt her down and savagely murder her. The question is, do I use my bare hands or my Cath Kidston crossbow?
Unfortunately, I can’t advise on conventional personal weaponry, as they’ve recently banned it at my school. However, it is possible to bring a foe to the point of catatonia by tying them to a chair and putting hundreds of loom bands on their arms until their fingers go a bit blue. Then maybe next time they’ll think twice about slagging you off because your mum loves Cliff Richard.
Hope that helps!