Key financial decisions now based on free toy

BRITONS will spend any amount of money in order to get a ‘plush toy’, it has emerged.

Following the successful use of fabric rodents to lure insurance buyers, the financial services industry has abandoned making its products more competitive in favour of free toys with soft fur and big, kind eyes.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “In the past six months we have seen an explosion in toy-based mortgages, from Lloyds’ Squiggly Squid Tracker to HSBC’s Happy Hamster Home Loan.

“Although interest rates for toy-based mortgages are typically four times that of non-toy products, the public needs its cuddly snuggle-buddy.

“The desire for the toy overrides all other factors, such as the possibility they may end up sleeping inside a bin bag on a roundabout.

“As a nation we are still very much in touch with our inner child. Whether you think this is a good thing or a bad thing depends on whether or not you’re an arse.”

He added: “Then again, Happy Hamster does have a little bowler hat and when you squeeze his paw he says, ‘Pleased to squeak you’. If you don’t think that’s cute, you have a lump of coal where you heart should be.”

Teacher Tom Logan said: “We already had home insurance when they started doing the free toy. Now I have two lots of home insurance and a new friend.”

Meanwhile chancellor George Osborne confirmed he will borrow £1.4 trillion from the IMF so he can get a limited edition retro sock monkey puppet.


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Furious entertainment industry promises year from hell

THE entertainment industry has responded to last week’s internet blackout by vowing to make 2012 a new low in the history of entertainment.

Following the defeat of two US internet piracy bills, movie studios and record labels are to punish consumers with films and music that will leave audiences traumatised by their awfulness.

Joseph Turner, a production head at Disney, said: “Just the trailers will make you fear for your life. Ladybug, where Lindsey Lohan plays a short-sighted insect that washes car windshields? Swing Guard, with Liam Neeson as a grieving father campaigning for safety precautions at children’s playgrounds? Or Maitre D’ starring Al Pacino as a mob boss who takes a second job as a waiter in a French restaurant?

“How do you like your illegal downloads now, motherfuckers?”

EMI UK head Helen Archer said:”Ever seen the carnage of a bus driven into a shopping centre at 60mph by a man who craves only the silence of death? You will, once teenagers on the back seat start playing this year’s big singles on their mobiles.

“Leonard Cohen’s latest has been remixed for the club by Swedish House Mafia and Dappy. Leona Lewis is murdering the entire back catalogue of the Pixies. And Katy Perry’s last six singles have been made into a megamix by playing all of them simultaneously. I tell you now, it will be playlisted on Radio 1.”

The onslaught will violate every cinema, TV and radio station in the country until opposition to internet censorship ceases. Dance teacher Nikki Hollis said: “How am I supposed to run a Zumba Fitness class when this year’s hottest
jam is a Neil Young outtake from his 80s synthesizer period? Fuck Wikipedia right in the ear.”

Tom Booker, from Hatfield, said: “The wife and I go to the pictures every Friday, but the only movies out this week are Justin Bieber in a biopic of a German flautist or Transporter 4: HGV to Aberdeen.

“I give up. Have the internet.”