King Unveils Radical Plan To Fuck Britain Into Middle Of Next Week

BANK of England governor Mervyn King last night unveiled his latest radical plan to take Britain and fuck it squarely into the middle of next week.

Mr King and chancellor Alistair Darling agreed to increase the money supply after noticing how Britain was still not quite similar enough to Germany in 1932, or Zimbabwe this morning.

Mr King said: "Once we've laid the groundwork for hyper-inflation everything else should fall into place including the emergence of a strong, insane dictator, a nice new motorway network and our eventual annihilation."

Later today the government will release details of a scheme where people can hand in their wallets and purses in exchange for a shiny, new wheelbarrow to carry their money around in.

Across the country retailers are expected to soon begin pricing goods in wheelbarrows instead of pounds and pence. Newsagent WH Smith confirmed it will charge three and a half wheelbarrows for a can of Diet Fanta and a packet of Quavers.

Meanwhile economists are at odds over the new policy with some claiming it is pronounced 'quan-ti-ta-tive' while others have opted for the shorter, lazier 'quan-ta-tive'.

Dr Tom Booker, from Reading University, said: "It's the 'easing' bit that fascinates me. It makes it sound as if you're lowering yourself gently into a warm, soothing bath when in actual fact it's more like jumping head first into a swimming pool filled with spiders and glass."

He added: "What I'm particularly looking forward to is taking some news footage from this year and showing it in black and white alongside some film from Germany in the early Thirites to see if anyone can spot the difference.

"It'll be an amusing little game we can play when we're not murdering each other for a sausage roll."

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Ramsay Decides Not To Swear At Bank Manager

GORDON Ramsay did not swear once during a meeting with his bank manager to discuss the £10 million debt run up by his restaurant business, it emerged last night.

Ramsay was summoned to the Lombard Street branch of Royal Bank of Scotland for crisis talks where manager Tom Logan made the celebrity chef sit outside his office for an hour and 45 minutes.

He was then called in, but told to sit in silence for a further five minutes while the bank manager phoned Jamie Oliver to book a table at Fifteen while grinning smugly at Ramsay for the duration of the call.

Mr Logan then produced his own signature dish of undercooked Beef en Croute served on a dirty plate with tepid Bisto before instructing Ramsay to describe it as the finest piece of cooking he had ever tasted in his life.

As Ramsay sat in silence clenching his fists, the bank manager asked why the chef had always claimed to have played professional football for Glasgow Rangers when his only contact with the club was making half-time sandwiches for a midweek testimonial at Queen of the South.

He also asked the chef which type of amphetamine he should use for enhancing freaky afternoon sex sessions with his mistress before producing a five star review of Ramsay's flagship London restaurant which had clearly been used as toilet paper.

Mr Logan then brought the meeting to a close by asking Ramsay what the fuck kind of fucking amateur spends ten fucking million of the bank's fucking money on opening up a pair of fucking vanity restaurants in fucking Paris and fucking New York before telling him to get the fuck out of his office.