Letting agents to out-bastard estate agents

A BOOMING rental sector means that letting agents are set to topple estate agents as Britain’s leading parasitical scumbags for the first time since 2010. 

The crown of Britain’s most despicable leeches was held by mobile phone contract salesmen for much of the 2010s before passing back to estate agents, but low housing sales mean letting agents are back on top. 

Record numbers chasing a fixed address have no option but to place their slender hopes into the claws of rapacious letting agencies exploiting their new status as the dominant sub-species of grimy spiv.

Letting agent Stephen Malley said: “For decades estate agents have been hogging all the revilement and loathing while we were just vaguely grubby non-entities with cheap shoes and big bunches of keys.

“Well you’re not getting a mortgage now, you pathetic grubbing animals, and so we find ourselves bathed in the golden glow of our perfect moment.

“Kneel before our awesomely demanding application process, which requires references from two dead family members, the leader of a global religion and a kestrel.

“Soon we shall have the fanny-magnet sport hatchbacks and the offices full of see-through objects with Victoria Monét playing on an unusually-shaped Bluetooth speaker. Estate agents, for so long our masters, will be nothing.


He added: “Our current properties include a one-bed in Stepney which smells of horses and a very tidy maisonette with no windows and the faint atmosphere of past tragedies.”

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Government to make daytime TV less compelling

UNMISSABLE daytime shows like Bargain Hunt will be ordered off air by the government to encourage millions to return to work. 

Work and pensions secretary Mel Stride has demanded all terrestrial daytime television be replaced by footage of endlessly rotating cheese to free the millions unable to stop watching the frankly superb daytime schedule. 

He said: “Loose Women, Bargain Hunt, Find It Fix It Flog It; truly daytime television is the manna of the workshy, a rusty nail in the bicycle tyre of UK industry.

“These measures are radical but fair. Silent, coldly-lit film of dairy produce on a spindle between 9am and 5pm will drive snowflake millennials to the job centre while providing more-than-adequate entertainment for pensioners.” 

Stride confirmed he ordered the cancellation of BBC daytime soap Doctors, widely recognised as the greatest drama ever screened, and warned that if Going For Gold were to ever return absenteeism could hit 95 per cent. 

Unemployed Emma Bradford of Halifax said: “It’s near-impossible to look for work when there’s a documentary on about chimpanzees being inoculated. But this cheddar’s even better. 

“It’s hypnotic, it’s restful, it still offers surprises no matter how many times you’ve seen it spin and it’s nowhere near as stupid as the contestants on The Edge, with Gabby Logan. I’d better stay home to watch it.”