L'Oreal disappointed at ban on fraud

COSMETICS giant L’Oreal has admitted its disappointment at not being allowed to commit fraud.

The company hoped to launch an advertising campaign featuring photographs of Julia Roberts and Christy Turlington that showed their make-up clad faces to be perfect in every possible way.

But the Advertising Standards Authority has blocked the adverts on the basis that they are a massive lie.

A spokesman said: “We asked L’Oreal if these photographs had been retouched to make the models’ skin appear flawless. They said that yes they had and so we said ‘so it’s not the make-up that’s doing it then, is it?’. And then they said ‘not really, no’.

“We then explained that it was the make-up that they were actually advertising rather than the image manipulation software they had used.

“We said it would be okay if they wanted to use these photos to advertise the image manipulation software, but they probably wouldn’t want to do that given they don’t own that particular company and that they may want to use their advertising budget to advertise the things that they do actually make.

“And finally we said that if they still wanted to use these photographs to advertise the make-up then that would what the police call ‘fraud’.

“Much like advertising household bleach with the slogan ‘delicious’.”

A L’Oreal spokeswoman said: “This would only have been a little white fraud. Women are intelligent enough to know we’re lying to them and that’s why we spend so much money on adverts that they will immediately dismiss as an elaborate hoax.

“Also, without computers Julia Roberts is basically Nigel Lawson”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m not having much success with the ladies these days, possibly because I’m fat and don’t wash or shave much. However, I’ve noticed that there’s a guy in my office who’s always got birds swarming round him, and I’ve heard on the grapevine that he’s a homosexual. I’m not sure I’m ready to let men do things to my bottom, but I’m willing to act all camp and bitchy if it means I get within sniffing distance of the ladies. Do you think this is a good plan?

Dear Horace
I love to camp. Do your mummy and daddy ever let you pitch a tent in the garden and invite your friends over to sleep in it for the night? It’s such fun! You can toast marshmallows and tell ghost stories with a torch under your chin, and then you can trick your mum and dad into thinking your friend Britney has been abducted from her sleeping bag by waiting till midnight then getting her to hide in the garden shed while you rouse your parents with convincingly frightened screams. Remember to leave her slipper in a bush nearby. Your mummy might get a little bit hysterical, but when she realises you’re pulling her leg she’ll definitely see the funny side. But don’t string it out too long though, because once the police get involved things start to get a bit more complicated, and for some reason they tend not to have much of a sense of humour.
Hope that helps!