Mandelson Pledges To Support Geffen Yacht Dream

LORD Mandelson has promised tough action on illegal downloaders in a bid to help close friend David Geffen achieve his dream of owning the world's four biggest yachts.

The business secretary believes people who download music they will never listen to anyway should be arrested at gunpoint in the middle of the night before falling down some stairs in a police station.

He said: "Ever since he was a child, David has dreamed about owning the world's four biggest yachts. He dreamed about decorating them in sapphires and having them staffed by rare snow leopards who had been trained to serve canapés.

"But downloaders are stealing that dream to the extent that he may be forced to own merely the world's biggest and third biggest yacht, and that one doesn't even have its own space shuttle. Not a pink one anyway. Not bright pink."

He added: "It's vital we pass the legislation as soon as possible so that he gives me a fabulous, high-paying job when this pile of shit finally goes tits up next spring."

A spokesman for Geffen Records said: "Every time you download a track illegally you're stealing a tiny fragment of one of the diamonds in David's massive pile of diamonds that just sits in a big heap in one of the enormous houses he doesn't even know he's got.

"Do you really want that on your conscience? What do you think Kurt Cobain would say if he was still alive?"

He added: "Actually, that's a rhetorical question. We spoke to Kurt via a psychic and he said 'Don't download music for free. Buy some CD albums and singles instead because they're really cool and feature the stuff you want, like 'radio edits' and 'exclusive live versions' of songs you're already got'.

"So there you are."

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Snorting Cocaine Better For You Than The 60-Piece Oriental Platter, Katona Tells Iceland

CELEBRITY hell-hole Kerry Katona has told Iceland that snorting cocaine in a sticky nightclub sets a better example than working your way through the 60 piece deep-fried Oriental party plate.

The ex-singer has been dropped by the frozen food supermarket amid tabloid newspaper allegations she was doing something healthier and more constructive than eating their products.

A spokeswoman for Katona said: "After spending four years encouraging people to buy Oblong Mashed Turkey Product, she thought it was time to do something for the next generation.

"Kerry does not want her children growing up on a diet of chicken drumshapes and deep-fried pig tubes when they could be spending the money on a class-A drug that will at least help to keep their weight down."

She added: "When Kerry was growing up in Warrington all the local kids would dabble in chicken nuggets but she saw far too many of her friends ending up on spicy dippers.

"She only appeared in the Iceland adverts so that she could raise enough money to buy some half-decent charlie and get her life back on track."

Tom Logan, a community worker from Toxteth, said: "Once Iceland gets its hooks into you it's only a matter of time before you're hoovering your way through a 60-piece platter. First the chicken, then the pork, and eventually the Oriental.

"And without proper support thousands of young people inevitably find themselves staring down the business end of a two-for-one prawn ring offer, at which point you may as well just sterilise them."

Iceland dismissed Katona's claims last night but offered to renew her contract if she agreed to block up her nostrils with a pair of deep-fried chicken goujons and breathe through her mouth.