LORD Mandelson has promised tough action on illegal downloaders in a bid to help close friend David Geffen achieve his dream of owning the world's four biggest yachts.
The business secretary believes people who download music they will never listen to anyway should be arrested at gunpoint in the middle of the night before falling down some stairs in a police station.
He said: "Ever since he was a child, David has dreamed about owning the world's four biggest yachts. He dreamed about decorating them in sapphires and having them staffed by rare snow leopards who had been trained to serve canapés.
"But downloaders are stealing that dream to the extent that he may be forced to own merely the world's biggest and third biggest yacht, and that one doesn't even have its own space shuttle. Not a pink one anyway. Not bright pink."
He added: "It's vital we pass the legislation as soon as possible so that he gives me a fabulous, high-paying job when this pile of shit finally goes tits up next spring."
A spokesman for Geffen Records said: "Every time you download a track illegally you're stealing a tiny fragment of one of the diamonds in David's massive pile of diamonds that just sits in a big heap in one of the enormous houses he doesn't even know he's got.
"Do you really want that on your conscience? What do you think Kurt Cobain would say if he was still alive?"
He added: "Actually, that's a rhetorical question. We spoke to Kurt via a psychic and he said 'Don't download music for free. Buy some CD albums and singles instead because they're really cool and feature the stuff you want, like 'radio edits' and 'exclusive live versions' of songs you're already got'.
"So there you are."