Usain Bolt Spotted In Victorian Photograph

AN inquiry has been launched after the world record breaking sprinter Usain Bolt was spotted in a 135 year-old photograph.

Officials at the International Athletics Association believe Bolt may now be travelling so fast that he is opening up a hole in the space-time continuum every time he runs.

An IAA spokesman said: "Our suspicions were first raised by the long trails of flame on the track at the end of each race.

"And some of the other sprinters reported that Bolt seemed to have grown a beard in less than 10 seconds, while others said he suddenly smelled of paraffin and, occasionally, whale oil."

He added: "At last month's Helsinki Grand Prix he started the race in shorts and a vest but for some reason, by the time he had crossed the line he was wearing a tweed suit, a starched collar and a bowler hat.

"We think he may have a job and a family in 1874 and is able to rip a hole in the fabric of space-time, go back and spend months or even years with them, before ripping a hole at that end and then finishing the race so it looks to us as if nothing has happened."

Bolt's rival, the American sprinter Tyson Gay, said: "I have noticed how he is constantly surprised by iPods and TVs and cars as if he doesn't really spend very much time in this century.

"That, and the fact that he smokes a pipe and and is always carrying a fresh copy of the Pall Mall Gazette."

But Bolt dismissed the claims, adding: "The chances of me being a time traveller are about as likely as that foolish Mr Gladstone winning a second term as prime minister."

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Millions Pretend Football Means Something

MILLIONS of Englishmen have begun their annual ritual of convincing themselves that football is an essential part of who they are.

Across the country, pubs were filled with men, and a handful of annoying women, expressing tired, obvious opinions about semi-literate millionaires who see them as nothing more than sad, desperate cash machines.

Arsenal supporter, Tom Logan, said: "I read Fever Pitch about 15 years ago and decided that I should start supporting Arsenal because it would make me feel like a normal man.

"About three years in I realised that football was incredibly boring and meaningless, but found I was unable to escape even though I knew deep down I was spending hundreds of pounds a year on something that is basically for children."

He added: "Occasionally I would catch the eye of a friend and we would communicate silently our secret desire to talk about cooking or gardening, but then the moment would pass and I would say something unbelievably predictable about Robin Van Persie and then he would pretend to have an opinion about it."

Chelsea supporter, Charlie Reeves, said: "What I resent is those women who pretend to like football just so they can join in with the men. Surely they've got plenty of their own own empty, meaningless things to talk about."

The opening weekend of the season saw most of the same things happen again for the 184th year in row, although Arsenal's 6-1 victory away to Everton did cause eight million men to say 'bloody hell' in a loud voice before wasting an hour of their lives speculating on the future of someone called David Moyes.

Meanwhile Sky Sports has unveiled plans for more than 5000 hours of promotional films designed to trick you into believing that any of it matters in any way whatsoever.

A spokesman added: "We know how you pretend to feel about football, because we pretend to feel the same."