Man's focus in life narrows to being in for a delivery

A MAN has given up on his job, his relationships and his family ensure he is in when a package arrives at his house.

Julian Cook of Harrogate has not attended any social or work engagements since New Year and has all his groceries delivered while scanning the street waving at other deliverymen to signal he is in.

He said: “I’m tracking the parcel and it says it’s out for delivery, so I need to sit here in the front window until it comes, while simultaneously refreshing my laptop. Just to be sure.

“I’m sure work understands. It’s just an unfortunate coincidence that my working hours take place between 8am and 8pm, and that’s when it’s due.

“Theoretically it could arrive at any time, but I know it’ll come the minute I let my guard down and make the mistake of going about my normal life.

“I’m not taking any chances, even if it means I have to urinate in a bottle. Actually I’ve got used to it.”

Delivery driver Stephen Malley said: “It’s a game of cat and mouse, but he’ll slip up. And that’s when I, and my ‘sorry we missed you!’ card, will pounce.”

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'Has your cat died?' most incomprehensible insult of all time

THE traditional Northern schoolyard insult ‘Has your cat died?’ has been named the most incomprehensible in human history.

Used to indicate that a person’s trousers are too short, the insult has only rarely been understood by anyone and never without explanation.

Linguist Dr Helen Archer said: “It’s a complex chain of illogic to follow, even for adults. I’ll take you through it.

“Firstly, the insult posits that the victim has a cat. More than two-thirds get lost right there because they haven’t, but go with it. Second, it assumes that cat has recently died.

“Third, and here’s where it gets abstract, it suggests there is a hitherto unknown funerary ritual for said pet requiring the owner to wear their trousers at half-mast, as a ship would fly a flag.

“To require someone to hypothesize an entire set of feline mourning rituals of the Northern tribes is too much for an insult. This is the playground. They could’ve just said ‘wankhands’.”

54-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “I was hit with ‘has your cat died?’ in the spring of 1979. I just got it, last year.”