McDonald’s unveils ‘at least it’s not a f**king gourmet burger’ slogan

BURGER chain McDonald’s has a new slogan emphasising that at least its product is unpretentious.

A spokesman said: “Our burgers may be flaccid and weird-smelling, but at least they aren’t a load of fetishised hipster twattery.

“Coming here is going to irritate you way less than some minimalist boutique burger wank-den called ‘Hoof’.

“In the face of burger gentrification we are delivering the real deal for drunkards, the undiscriminating and little kids who just want the free toy.

“We promise never to mention ’28 day-aged’ beef, obscure cattle breeds or kimchi.

“And our staff will never look like jeans models. Quite the opposite, in fact.”

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I used a bad word about someone's mum on Twitter

Dear Holly,

I used a bad word about someone’s mum on Twitter and now I’m in hot water. Why can’t I use childish sexist slurs without getting into trouble?

Rio Ferdinand


Dear Rio,

All the boys in my class must be related or live together or something, because they are always talking about how they saw each other’s mother last night, either at Weight Watchers breaking the scales or getting off with Mr Pooley the weird caretaker again. I don’t know how they find time to do all their homework when they are always observing these women. Also it seems very unfair on mums, because when Sarah Spiers’s dad got caught stealing pants off washing lines we had a special assembly where everyone was told never, ever to mention it.

Hope that helps,