McNuggets made with organic, fresh child meat

MCDONALD’S has revealed that its nuggets contain locally-sourced boy.

The restaurant chain is on a PR offensive following falling sales and concerns about why its food looks, smells and tastes like it does.

A spokesman said: “What happened was that a kid fell into one of the machines during a factory tour, and we got a lot of good feedback on the resulting nuggets.

“They say human meat tastes like chicken. We say it tastes more like chicken than chicken itself.

“But you can see it’s not the dreaded ‘pink slime’. Look at that tray of pure lean juvenile.”

The spokesman explained how homeless children are lured into the factory with a trail of chips.

“After pulping, we push the child paste through a big sieve which filters out the teeth and jewellery.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Meat’s meat, I suppose. Probably they should label their products ‘contains child’ but as long as there’s no added salt or sugar I’m happy.

“Also I’d like to know what the children had been fed and maybe have their pictures on the packaging.”

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Podcast evangelists worse than Christians

PODCAST listeners are unable to perform basic interactions without recommending podcasts, researchers have found.

Has all his friends right there on his iPod

Listeners to podcasts, which are like 1940s radio shows, fervently believe everyone should share their obsession and will promote it by any means including violence.

Carolyn Ryan of Croydon said: “I avoid the eye of anyone wearing earphones in case they ask me if I’ve let Serial into my heart.

“You can’t just say you’re not interested. They’ll tell you about the fashion podcasts, TV podcasts, and podcasts for podcast enthusiasts without mentioning they’re all just people talking about things while breathing too close to a microphone.

“Apparently they’re great for listening to on the train. But isn’t the train already full of people I don’t know talking to each other about shit I’m not interested in?”

Podcast fan Tom Logan said: “I pity anyone deprived of the rich and varied world of podcasts.

“It’s like having friends inside your head comfortably chuckling away with each other as you avoid eye contact with anyone real.

“I suppose it is a little bit like having a personal relationship with our risen Lord Jesus, yes. Does he do a podcast?”