THE new Xbox allows gamers to reclaim their lives by playing itself, it was revealed last night.
Microsoft’s Xbox Onani is the world’s first entirely self-operated games console, and requires no human intervention after being removed from the box and plugged into a television.
A spokesman said: “Onani just gets on with it, ploughing doggedly through Medal of Honour until 4am on a school night so you don’t have to. All you have to do is not stand on it.”
He added: “The console will not allow you to interact with it in any way whatsoever, indeed if you attempt to do so it will emit an electrical charge powerful enough to take down a female Australian.
“Thus you are now free to enjoy those small fragments of your life that do not involve staring at colours and shapes.”
Xbox Onani features groundbreaking graphics and sound capacity, allowing it to give itself a mind-blowing gaming experience.
Its online capacity allows it to connect with other consoles around the world for multi-machine action, although Microsoft insists that any resulting network of advanced artificial intelligence would be too addicted to the new Ninja Gaiden to conspire against humanity.
Xbox Onani owner Tom Logan said: “As a former Xbox junkie, the Onani has given me my spare time back.
“My wife and I have started watching television again – it’s great for us to be able to sit down together in total silence and let Britain’s Most Haunted wash over us like a sea of piss.”