Hard-Up Public Sector Pensioners 'Will Sing U2 Songs In Tube Stations'

A CUT in public sector pensions will lead to lots of decrepit leftists singing U2 songs in tube stations to make ends meet, it was warned last night.

Economists said that while people with real jobs would derive an eye-boggling sexual pleasure from cutting public sector pensions, it will also lead to an increase in ghastly socialist busking.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Do we really want some 67 year-old former diversity auditor belting out Pride (In the Name of Love) in exchange for a few coins he will then use to buy a fair trade kumquat and a copy of National Geographic that he won’t even read?

“Maybe better to give them the pension, but on condition they use it to buy Edwina Currie novels, genetically modified American beef products and a dirty great Jag.”

Cook said the pension cut would also force them to empty out their left-wing attics leaving eBay overrun with signed photos of Poly Toynbee while car boot sales will be flooded with copies of Will Hutton’s dimwitted books about how to spend other people’s money.

He added: “I suspect that, as a society, we are going to have to look beyond the simple issue of pounds and pence and instead do whatever it takes to ensure these people do not enjoy so much as a nano-second of their twilight years.”

Martin Bishop, pensions analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “Private sector pensioners with no money tend to get proper retirement jobs like wiping up the toddler puke in aisle seven, appearing as an extra in Midsomer Murders or doing weird Japanese pornography.

“But public sector workers will simply use their poverty as an excuse to carry on inflicting their twisted world view through the lyrics of Bono and quite possibly Chris Martin.”

He added: “What if we agree to three U2 songs a fortnight but if they even think about doing Billy Bragg you’re allowed to strangle them with your belt?”

 

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Emergency Christine Bleakley Information Service Launched

A NEW 24-hour telephone helpline has been launched to fill the gaps in
Britain’s rolling Christine Bleakley requirements.

Bleakley24 is designed to help those temporarily separated from a computer or newsagent maintain their steady stream of speculation about the slightly less Northern version of Melanie Sykes.

A spokesman said: “Even in 2010, there are pockets of civilisation that do not have instant access to Christine Bleakley updates. This means that isolated people – particularly those in hostage situations – can find their thoughts turning to their own pointless lives.”

He added: “We risk creating a two-tier society, where an elite enjoys up-to-the-minute bulletins on Bleakley’s employment prospects and love life, while others  go slowly insane with worry and jealousy before degenerating to tunnel-dwelling albinos who communicate by flatulating at each other.”

The helplines will be manned by fully trained celebrity journalists updating on a range of factors including the exact time she left Frank Lampard’s flat and any changes to her top five citrus fruits.

Teacher Roy Hobbs, who recently found himself cut off from Christine Bleakley news after being locked in a stationary cupboard by the children of scum, said: “Bleakley24 is like a big, fat teat.

“Without it I wouldn’t know that today she is still torn between the BBC and ITV, and is wearing tight grey denim jeans that show a sliver of arse crack when she bends to get in a taxi.”

Experts said that Bleakley24 and Adrian Chiles’ 12-figure salary
confirms the One Show as the most important television programme
since Roots, even though no-one has ever met anyone who has
actually seen it.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, added: “There are still far too many unanswered questions about her relationship with Chiles, but Bleakley24 explained that he is actually more handsome in the flesh and has an intoxicating natural musk.

“I’m going back to sleep now.”