Middle class man hires working class man to build snowman

A MIDDLE-CLASS man has hired a working class tradesman to build a snowman in the back garden with his beloved children. 

Julian Cook, from Leamington Spa, has booked the tradesman to construct a five foot snowman while his children play and laugh and he catches up with office emails.

Cook said: “The thing about magical childhood memories is they only take a few seconds to capture, but there’s hours of prep.

“I’m a busy man, so Wayne from WH Construction will build the snowman then I’ll nip out and capture the magic on Instagram at the end.

“It looks great in the marketing brief, but the reality of building a snowman is scraping around with frozen hands while the kids get bored and go in and watch telly.

“I commissioned the snowman, it’s my creative vision. I have simply outsourced that vision to a technician.”

The project is expected to run over deadline and over budget, but builder Wayne Hayes explained: “We’ll struggle to get some of the parts we need and I’ll have to collect a top hat and a pipe from Coventry.

“But honestly you won’t find snow craftsmanship of this level at a better price.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'I'll do whatever the f**k I want', says 97-year-old who can do whatever the f**k he wants

A 97-YEAR-OLD who can do whatever he fucking feels like has confirmed his intention to do exactly that.

After causing a car crash, Philip Mountbatten, from Norfolk, Berkshire, Aberdeenshire, and Belgravia, asked what anyone was going to do to stop him.

Mountbatten, who also believes that seat belts are ‘effeminate’, said: “What are you going to do, throw me in jail? I’m 97, that’s just horrible. Or perhaps you’re going to fine me 500 quid? Is that a lot of money? I have absolutely no idea.”

The retired naval officer added: “If I fucking well feel like it, I’ll steal your car, crash it into your living room and then walk away shortly after insulting you, based on what I believe to be your ethnicity.

“And for the avoidance of doubt, I’d do this even if my wife’s coat of arms wasn’t nailed to the wall of every court house in the country.

“Now get out of my way, you Irish-looking homosexual.”