Middle-class woman takes Waitrose bag to Aldi

A WOMAN has admitted feeling deeply ashamed for humiliating other shoppers by using a Waitrose bag at the Aldi tills.

Francesca Johnson, who uses the budget supermarket to buy her parmesan cheese, spices and smoked ham, believed she was blending in with the rest of the customers until her packing blunder.

She said: “I’d hidden the Range Rover at the far end of the car park, I’d left my pashmina on the passenger seat, and I’d tried to emulate that downcast little walk they all do. I thought I was very convincing.

“But then I reached the tills, pulled out my reusable Waitrose woven bag, and realised I’d made a mortifying error.

“Silence fell. The checkout girl’s face curdled. I could hear every rustle as I frantically threw in my unbelievably cheap organic hummus and prosciutto.

“Nobody said a word, but I knew they were all judging me. It was written right across their faces that this flash bitch wasn’t one of them.

“I scurried out flushed with shame. I can never show my face there again. Especially after that one woman mock-curtsied as I left.”

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Sixth-former unsure which £9,000-a-year virus-riddled prison to go to

A 17-YEAR-OLD A-level student cannot decide which university he wants to be locked up in to be infected with Covid next year. 

James Bates, studying politics, history and Spanish, is enthusiastic about the prospect of being interned in one of Britain’s prestigious prison complexes in September next year, but is struggling to rank them on his UCAS form.

James said: “They all have their advantages and disadvantages. For some it’s about the city you look out at from your solitary cell, but for others it’s about the quality of tutor on your fortnightly Zoom call.

“Would I prefer to shelter from coronavirus in a vibrant place like Leeds or a quieter one like St Andrew’s? Should I spend my nine grand on a hallowed, ancient Durham plague house or a modern place of infection like Reading?

“I’m cross-referencing prospectuses with what tier the university’s in, comparing open days and the R-rate, and what’s coming through strongly is I should stay the f**k home and learn to be a spot-welder.

“There’s no point surviving the pandemic only to come out the other end with a BA in sociology from Loughborough.”