Mobile users spending 100% more than necessary

BRITAIN’S mobile phone users could save hundreds of pounds by babbling shite at a calculator instead, say researchers.

As a new study showed that 75% of users are on the wrong contract, further examination of the content of their texts and calls showed that not a single word of it was worth paying for anyway.

Campaigners are now calling for legislation forcing phone providers to stop offering lengthy contracts with massive call-time and text allowances to unspeakably dreary gobshites.

They want a tightening of the regulations similar to reforms which stopped banks and credit card companies from selling chocolate payment protection fireguards.

Phoneologist, Dr Wayne Hayes, said: “The main problem appears to be people getting a much larger contract allowance than they actually need for fear of going over their monthly allowance without once considering the option of getting a cheaper contract and shutting their bastarding faces.”

He added: “A simple way of saving money is every time you’re about to send a text with ‘lol’ in it, just punch yourself in the teeth and put 10p into a jar.

“And you could wait until you next see your friends before giving them your soul-destroyingly banal views on the latest batch of televised fucknuts.

“Or if you’re using your phone to browse the internet for videos of kittens just, y’know, don’t.”



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Oxford University 'has enough black students for Earth, Wind and Fire tribute band'

OXFORD University has dismissed accusations of discrimination insisting it has enough black students for a full-scale tribute to Earth, Wind and Fire.

The 6,000 year-old institution is to answer its critics with a free concert paying homage to the epic Chicago funkmeisters.

Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, bursar of Manning College, said: “I have spoken to my fellow bursars and it seems we currently have 11 of them between us.

“This means we can accurately recreate Earth, Wind and Fire from their late 1970s heyday.”

He added: “Oxford University is, has been and always will be a Boogie Wonderland.”

Prime minister David Cameron backed the tribute band adding: “When I was at Oxford there was only one black chap. We called him Winston, but I don’t think that was his real name.

“He taught me how to jiggle and I was proud to call him ‘friend’.”