Mobile users spending 100% more than necessary

BRITAIN’S mobile phone users could save hundreds of pounds by babbling shite at a calculator instead, say researchers.

None of your opinions are worth £15.99 a month

As a new study showed that 75% of users are on the wrong contract, further examination of the content of their texts and calls showed that not a single word of it was worth paying for anyway.

Campaigners are now calling for legislation forcing phone providers to stop offering lengthy contracts with massive call-time and text allowances to unspeakably dreary gobshites.

They want a tightening of the regulations similar to reforms which stopped banks and credit card companies from selling chocolate payment protection fireguards.

Phoneologist, Dr Wayne Hayes, said: “The main problem appears to be people getting a much larger contract allowance than they actually need for fear of going over their monthly allowance without once considering the option of getting a cheaper contract and shutting their bastarding faces.”

He added: “A simple way of saving money is every time you’re about to send a text with ‘lol’ in it, just punch yourself in the teeth and put 10p into a jar.

“And you could wait until you next see your friends before giving them your soul-destroyingly banal views on the latest batch of televised fucknuts.

“Or if you’re using your phone to browse the internet for videos of kittens just, y’know, don’t.”