Everyone finally understands big nuclear thing

THE big nuclear thing in Japan finally made sense today after some
people said it was now the same number as something you have heard of.

As the people confirmed the Japan thing was now a seven, making it exactly the same as the famous Chernobyl, ordinary millions across the globe said ‘oh, I see’.

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, added: “I’ve been steering clear of this story as all that seemed to have happened was some radioaction going into the sea.

“But it’s not as if you can kill the sea, so I didn’t bother having an opinion about it and then somehow managing to make it all about me.

“Now it’s a seven, I can start to wonder what people will say about me after all the radioacation makes my hair fall out.

“By the way, did you know that Chernobyl was a seven? That means we’ve now had two Chernobyls. Which is really a 14. Makes you think, doesn’t it?”

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I’m glad it’s finally been Chernobylised. This whole ‘is it-isn’t it’ shenanigans had gone on for far too long.

“It really makes the whole thing much more dramatic and accessible. On a human level.”

Meanwhile Daily Mail reporters have received an urgent email from their newsdesk reading: “Attention. Fukushima has now been sevened.

“Stop whatever you’re doing and think up 12 new words for ‘death’.”



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Lehmann celebrates win by fighting alligator

MIGHTY goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has marked his return to English football by fighting an alligator in his Gothic mansion.

Arsenal’s win keeps them in the title race but Lehmann punished himself for conceding a goal by insisting he tackle the nine-foot beast one-handed.

The bout took place in the Pit of Jens, an enormous amphitheatre in the depths of his castle where the goalkeeper commits himself to dangerous combat to test whether he remains a worthy foe.

Wenger said: “Jens always brings something special to the dressing room and this week it was an enormous oil painting of himself dressed as a Viking.

“He’s stood atop a pile of skulls that all look like Premier League managers and whenever you walk past it, it plays Rock You Like a Hurricane by Scorpions. It’s a challenging piece of art.”

Lehmann was released from Arsenal in 2008 after insisting the name on his strip be changed to ‘The Hawk’ and instructing his agent to negotiate a change in his contract requiring him to be paid in wild boar carcasses.

Wenger’s refusal led to Lehmann accusing the manager of dishonouring the memory of his forefathers and threatening to assemble a thousand-strong ‘army of conquest’ to storm the gates of the Emirates Stadium.

But after Manuel Almunia injured himself chasing a small child’s balloon around the pitch in the pre-match warmup, the German returned to competitive football for Arsenal with a commanding if erratic display that saw him booked for scything down one of his own defenders for ‘lacking the necessary Wille zur Macht‘.

Smearing his torso in blood, the goalkeeper, said: “Lehmann is pleased that we ride south for home triumphant but we may not rest with our wenches tonight as we must soon face a tricky away tie to Spurs.”