Money graph go down means bad: a simple guide to the latest financial f**k up

CONFUSED by the latest intervention by the Bank of England? Learn everything you need to know with this simple guide.

Money graph go down means bad

Pound look good on money graph next to dollar. Always has. Now pound line on money graph go down which means bad. Everyone prefer when pound line on money graph go up because means rich. Being rich better than being poor, lets you buy vape and Kit Kat. Kit Kat tasty yum.

Scary numbers spook market

Market like big horse made of money. Scary numbers like 6.43% interest rate spook market. Market gallop out of stable to somewhere nicer. Everyone sad because market look nice and was friendly. Now we try to tempt it back with numbers it like but it difficult.

Money man bad at job

Kwasi Kwarteng is boss man of money but he not good at job. Everyone confused why he even get job as money man then realise his boss even more stupid. She look like bird that flew into window. People sort of miss old money man. Also bad but say funny things like ‘Eat Out To Help Out’.

Big bank not happy

Big bank run by adults who know what they doing not happy. Shout at money man things like ‘what the f**k you doing’ and ‘give it here before you totally f**k it up’. Say if they did not do this then things get even more bad. Houses would be worthless and pensions go vanish. This bad because everyone like houses and pensions.

Bonds are like magic beans

People wearing suits in Downing Street use bonds to make money. They like magic beans called gilts. Bank of England buy gilts to make market happy but it not really work. Now you be poor for few years and say bye-bye to libraries and NHS. People in charge for last 12 years say it someone else’s fault.

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Five affordable city breaks in windswept out-of-season destinations

SUMMER is over but that’s no reason to stop going on holiday, especially if you enjoy weekends spent traipsing around bleak, damp cities. Like these:


It will piss down, but you can shelter from the elements in a Wetherspoons which costs a fortune because it’s in Leicester Square, and you have no idea where else to go. The more courageous traveller could venture to Camden Lock where you can get high off second-hand weed smoke and break an elbow slipping on wet cobbles. Fortunately some of the city’s best attractions are indoors. Unfortunately, they all cost £300 for a family of four.


Found a cheap deal for this charming Belgian city? Of course you have, because this is the hinterland between summer in a spectacular gothic city and the cosy charm of their Christmas markets. The hotel owners already hate British people because of all the stag dos and are annoyed with you for booking during October when they wanted a bit of a rest. The only upside is the nine per cent Trappist beer, until you have to suffer the hangover the next day.

Ibiza Town

It’s the world’s go-to party island, full of beautiful people and amazing nightlife. Well, it is during the summer. But by autumn, the local seafood restaurants are shuttered, the clubs are mothballed, the azure blue sea is a muddy grey and the only other visitors apart from you are burned out pillheads who have forgotten how to get home.


You might as well stay in Britain as it’s essentially the same place as Gibraltar: an exposed, wind-battered rock where every direction is uphill and everyone speaks English. The charm disappears with the sunshine and the most exciting tourist attraction is being mugged by a pack of wild monkeys. It wasn’t worth the money you got fined for taking the kids out of school during term time, however much you try to convince your partner otherwise.


You arrive to the crushing news that Oktoberfest actually happens in September and you’ve just missed it. Cue a 48-hour trudge round their grey central business district looking at the same shops as are in your local shopping centre, which don’t even have the benefit of being cheaper because the exchange rate is shot. Every menu is impenetrable so you end up eating boiled white sausages three times a day. Wish you were here!