Mothers don’t need money because they have the joy of children

MOTHERS do not mind earning a third less because having children is so wonderful, a report has found.

Following research that shows the gender pay gap widens after motherhood, the Institute for Fiscal Studies concluded that it does not matter because children are all the reward a mother needs.

Dr Julian Cook said: “We haven’t spoken to mums but we looked at their Facebooks and apparently raising kids is the most glorious, precious thing in the world, so why would they want anything else?

“Women don’t need material goods once they’ve been given the gift of motherhood, unlike fathers who still need jobs so they can buy gadgets.

“It’s them we should feel sorry for really, poor dads unable to open their hearts to this blessing because of their hunger for money.”

Mary Fisher of Leicester said: “I don’t mind putting up with my pay being lower than everyone else’s because work gets me away from the kids.”

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Are you hard?

AM I hard? It’s a question that has perplexed many of mankind’s finest thinkers.

The mere fact that you are sitting reading words off a computer screen means you are almost certainly not. Take our quick test to find out for certain – it’s like an assault course for the mind.

Am I Hard?

1. Where did you go to school?
A. Private school, grammar school, or a ‘good’ comprehensive where Guardian readers have bought all the houses within a nine mile radius.
B. A proper comprehensive where some of the kids look about 34.
C. It wasn’t a school as such, more a pit into which snarling carnivores were tossed while family members placed cash bets.

2. When did you last have a fight?
A. Just this morning I had a run-in on a Doctor Who internet forum.
B. Last week at Boxercise I punched some air quite hard.
C. I am kneeling on someone while reading this.

3. What is your favourite martial art?
A. Yoga.
B. I did karate for three weeks when I was 12.
C. Kickboxing at a gym called ‘Combat War Fighters’ in an industrial unit near Yeovil.

4. Do you think you are hard?
A. I’m emotionally strong although bad break-ups can affect me for months.
B. Yes.
C. All I know is that I have done some bad things, things that haunt me.

Mostly ‘A’: You are one of those puny misfit kids who would befriend an alien in an 80s family film.

Mostly ‘B’: You like to think you are hard but you do internet searches about the crime rate when moving to a new area. You also take paintball far too seriously. It’s quite sad really.

Mostly ‘C’: You are hard. Or at least you would be if you hadn’t clearly lied to impress yourself, which is pathetic when you think about it.

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