Women strongly opposed to Nicole Scherzinger

WOMEN are opposed to Nicole Scherzinger, it has been confirmed.

Females from the ages of 15-85 are united in the belief that the Pussycat Dolls singer is totally fake and has never once shown her true personality on television.

Shop assistant, Emma Bradford said: “She just looks like she’s up her own arse. Simple as that.

There’s no way in Hell she has ever eaten one of those yoghurts. She probably only eats trout foie gras and I don’t even know what the fuck that is.”

Women added that their negative feelings toward Scherzinger have nothing to do with the fact she is physically flawless and enjoys coquettish humour with a sexual undertone.

Bradford said: “Myleene Klass is attractive and I saw her on one of those ‘giving birth’ documentaries the other night, going in a birthing pool and having a brew with all the midwives after.

Can’t see Scherzinger doing that. She’d probably want to fill the thing with diamonds before she gave birth in it.

“Then she’d deliberately trip over and get some yoghurt on her face, which is apparently funny because it looks a bit like spunk.”

However men added that they believe Scherzinger seems ‘pretty sound’.

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Man weirdly aggressive about being a dad

A MAN keeps mentioning his children in a way that is clearly meant to make people respect him, it has emerged.

IT worker and father-of-two Wayne Hayes seems to think he has attained a more important status in society thanks to the fairly commonplace act of procreation.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Wayne keeps saying things like ‘You can’t afford to lose your job when you’ve got kids’ as though it wouldn’t matter to a childless person.

“He also gets quite angry about anything child-related. Today he was ranting about low-quality school dinners as if everyone else in the office was in favour of stuffing his kids with reconstituted chicken fat.

“I think it’s a sort of emotional blackmail to make everyone listen to him, which no one did before he had kids and he just used to drone on about Terry Pratchett novels.”

Hayes said: “I can be vocal about being a parent but that’s only because I love my kids so much and anyone who disagrees with that disrespects all the parents in the world.

“I do discuss using extreme violence against completely hypothetical people who’d harm my kids, but that’s totally different to being a random nutter with anger issues because of the ‘little ones’.”