Sunday, 9th August 2020

M&S reports alarming surge in middle-class twats

MARKS & Spencer has reported a massive spike in middle-class twats buying overpriced ready meals and bland clothing.

The department store has confirmed that the number of women shopping in pairs and men buying red corduroys and panama hats has risen by 100 per cent in the last week.

A spokesman said: “Smug comfortable pricks buying crap they don’t need is a key bellwether of economic recovery.

“Since they were frantically stockpiling Percy Pigs in March we’ve barely seen the bourgeois because they boosted their social cachet by staying home and doing Zoom quizzes instead.

“But they’re sick of their veg box deliveries and the larder’s getting bare, so here they are all back again like an aspirational Dawn of the Dead.

“Sales of home office furniture and agonisingly twee wine hampers are back up, we’re selling middle managers alarming numbers of flip-flops, and women are buying big floppy hats. It’s days before we see this on the streets.”

A John Lewis employee, who wanted to remain anonymous, confirmed: “The middle-classes are out of lockdown. Prepare to be condescended to from behind a mask.”