Murdoch reeling as glamour models pull kiss-and-tell sexcapades

BRITAIN’S topless models have threatened to withdraw their thrilling tales of rump-pumpy from the News Of The World.

A consortium of leggy lovelies, busty beauties and the British Union of Stunnas have told the ‘newspaper’ they cannot continue to give them their five-times-a-night trade.

Nikki Hollis, a 24-year-old footballer’s convenience from Carlisle, said: “As a woman whose sole job is processing the genitalia of married men, I find their whole code of investigative conduct to be disgraceful and a complete anathema to my moral standards.

“And I’ve been in a Travelodge with half a Championship relegation side plugging away at me.”

Revelations over naughty romps are thought to be the News of the World’s main source of income as millions of Britain’s semi-conscious buy it to raise a doughy semi reading about bodily fluid exchange on rented bedsheets while eating their cornflakes.

Martin Bishop, professor of paying people and then turning on a tape recorder at Roehampton University, said: “The three sides of their triangle of ‘journalism’ – if I can pump that particular word with eight thousand more gallons of slurry for just a moment – are interviews with footballers, sexposés and hating paedophiles.

“By quite literally downing tools, glamour models have put the whole paper at risk of collapsing into a heap of insulting innuendo, hatred and Dan Wootton.

“It’s a chain of moral revulsion that will eventually see the entire country shun the News of the World until all you’re left with is a dense core of raw scum comprising of Rebekah Brooks having dinner with David Cameron while a private investigator films it through her hedge.”

The lucrative sexcapade industry is considering where to market its next hump and a number of national newspapers are said to be watching out for who knows how to pleasure a woman or is a two-minute flop with interest.

Hollis said: “Talks with the Independent On Sunday are looking very promising, although obviously they’ll have to present my jizz-wrangling as a Johann Hari opinion-piece on the politics of celebrity testicles.”



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Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Power Self-Talking

‘Good morning handsome, you giant mountain of sexual satisfaction, supported by two thighs so muscular in nature they could be mistaken for those of an elk. Fancy making boat loads of cash or shall we first have some sex so hot you could cook an egg on it?’

That was not my wife Pae Pwang-O’Connor talking to me, that was me talking to me. Not out loud, I’m not mental, but in my head where it is safe and well upholstered. If you don’t believe it wasn’t me and not Pae well let me inform you that I taught her English but have not yet taught her the word ‘elk’ because for some reason she is really struggling with large American herbivores.

When you talk to yourself in your head it is called ‘self talk’ and what you say to yourself in your brain, good or bad, you become.

It sounds like some crazy voodoo chant nonsense – and it is, a witch doctor called Andrew Penfold taught me the technique, but there is no doubt it is highly effective.

‘Self talk’ can be used to boost your self esteem or get you through those tricky situations like interviews where so many of you may have failed or said something weird to stop you from getting the job.

I remember one interview where this sales manager ten years my junior said to me: “Are you okay Mr O’Connor, you’re sweating a lot and I think you just sang a bit from Tina Turner’s Nutbush City Limits.”

The truth was, I was really nervous, I had not prepared for the interview after having hit the Class As and Captain Morgan very hard the night before – but I self-talked my way out of the situation.

Actually, some of it may have come out loud, I can’t remember, but I said unto me, ‘this pip squeak little shit isn’t worth your time, you’re worth ten of him. One on one you could probably take him even if he had a bat and I bet your dick, dicks all over his dick – I bet just one of your balls is the size of both of his balls. God I love you Morris, now say some business shit to this little blow-job in a suit and let’s get this job and roll out of here like a goddamn Gorilla King’.

The following Monday I started work as regional sales manager.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Talking To Yourself In Private In Your Head.