Murdochs know far less about News International than you do

YOU know considerably more about News International than Rupert Murdoch and his son James, it has been confirmed.

As the the two people who run News International on a daily basis appeared before MPs, it emerged that neither of them have ever spoken to anyone who has worked there and have no idea what the company does.

Asked when he knew that News International had paid people to keep schtum about the phone scandal thingy, Rupert Murdoch said: “Do they make those inflatable chairs with the built-in cup holders?”

After a 14-minute pause, he added: “I like those.”

James Murdoch said: “Mr Chairman, I would just like to say that I have no direct knowledge of me so I can’t speak to that, but I am happy to find out who I am and get back to you in writing.”

Throughout the dramatic hearing it became increasingly clear that Britain’s biggest media company is run by a confused, deaf and possibly drunk old man and an extra from The West Wing.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “If what I have just seen is a true reflection of the management of News International then I’m surprised the fucking satellites don’t fall out of the sky and my copy of the Sunday Times doesn’t explode in my face.

“Unless, of course, they’re a pair of lying bastards.”

He added: “Can I just say that with all the talk of ‘back doors’ and
‘oral advice’ the whole thing was actually very sexual. Certainly a bit
more sexual than I was expecting.”

Helen Archer, from Hatfield, said: “It will be interesting to see if the committee is able to find out who runs News International, but if they do I’d like them to ask this – ‘Why did your journalists act like c*nts? Is it because you’re a c*nt and you would treat them like c*nts unless they acted like c*nts?’.”

The session was suspended after a foam pie madman tried to cream in Rupert Murdoch’s face.

Metropolitan Police said he would be charged with assault and then found
dead of natural causes with one of Mrs Murdoch’s fingernail extensions lodged in the middle
of his forehead.

Rupert Murdoch added: “I would just like to say, this is the most humble day of my life.

“Fuck each and every one of you right up the arse.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lottery winners spunk the lot on scratchcards