Army to recruit people too deranged to be in the Army

MEN with full libraries of SAS books, a selection of balaclavas and a cabinet of replica weapons are to solve the Army’s recruitment crisis, it has emerged. 

Staffing shortages in the armed forces mean that thousands of unfit social misfits who write to the BBC informing them the wrong Bren carriers were used in period dramas are finally going to get their long hoped-for access to heavy artillery. 

Posters with the strapline ‘Just Because You’re Not Allowed Out Unsupervised Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Be A Sergeant’ will appear in depressing provincial towns across the UK.

An Army spokesman said: “Every neighbourhood has at least one middle-aged ‘mental army man’ who wears full camouflage attire to the pub. We’re inviting them to live their dream. 

“From a military perspective they are mostly harmless, won’t demand high wages and tend to believe they’re impervious to bullets, which is invaluable in cannon fodder. Plus they rarely have dependents which saves on compensation.” 

He added: “We will also take anyone who has a solid record of winning games of Risk and fast-track them to become generals.” 

Defence bosses are split over whether to pay their new, unhinged recruits nothing or to charge them a monthly subscription fee in exchange for the uniform, a photo session with a tank and an Airfix jeep supplied in individual parts over three years.

Combat and Survival magazine buyer Roy Hobbs said: “Despite ostensibly living with my mum I have done secret mercenary missions for years alongside my ‘cover’ job of working nights in a fridge door factory.

“And I know how to kill a horse with a spoon.”

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