Nation sick of having heart warmed

BRITAIN has asked retailers to cease their barrage of heartwarming Christmas adverts. 

The torrent of tear-jerking, uplifting festive adverts has left the public desperate for a respite from having their faith in humanity reaffirmed.

Stephen Malley of Eastbourne said: “In the last week, my heart has been warmed to the point where it is uncomfortable and slightly clammy.

“There’s only so many anthropomorphised tales of kindness you can take.

“When it comes to the ad break I’m ready for my greed, envy and gluttony to be given a good workout, and instead find myself suffused with a compassionate glow and fellowship for man.

“Frankly I miss the bastard I am the rest of the year. How about an advert where a boy who’s made his  sister a cake has it ruined by an Audi driving through a puddle, or a fox banker tricking a family of rabbits out of their life savings?”

A spokesman for the British Retail Consortium said: “Until the cockles of British hearts are sufficiently warmed to max out their credit cards, the relentless heartwarming will continue.”