Network Rail unveils route to Saudi Arabia

NETWORK Rail has announced plans to extend its Great Eastern Main Line through to Saudi Arabia.

The line will run from London Liverpool Street through to Riyadh stopping at Chelmsford and Norwich, providing a boon to commuters and pleasure seekers alike.

Although Network Rail has often been criticised for the length of its development projects, officials are adamant the route to the Middle East won’t be any more problematic than its expansion in Scotland.

Network Rail spokesman Tom Logan said: “For far too long passengers to the Arabian Peninsula have been forced to change at St. Pancras, Paris, Rome, Bucharest, Istanbul, Aleppo and Baghdad, which makes it hard to get in to work on time in the morning.”

“There may be slight challenges due to the thousands of miles of forbidding terrain and traversing two war zones, but if Network Rail is known for anything it is reliability against all foreseeable circumstances.”

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All internet providers total and utter bastards

EVERY broadband company is an absolute shower of shit run by complete bastards, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that despite their bold claims and upbeat marketing, none of the major internet companies was able to provide a service that actually worked.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “I take a particularly dim view of having to spend hours trying to find an internet company’s customer service number because they have deliberately concealed it in the bowels of the internet.

“It’s like trying to return a faulty chair, only to find the shop has moved to Patagonia in a deliberate attempt to avoid you.”

Professor Brubaker also highlighted internet providers encouraging frustrated customers to contact them via instant messenger: “The very astute might see there’s an obvious problem with this if your internet isn’t working.”

He added: “They really are the biggest bunch of bastards. Bloated, tick-like devils to a man.

“I advise not having the internet, it’s shit anyway.”