New boss wants you to know he likes football

YOUR new boss claims to be an ordinary bloke on the basis that he supports West Ham.

The white male in his early 50s, brought in to restructure your department which means firing people, mentioned his love of “the Hammers” several times in his ominous opening speech.

Members of your team are already planning to include your boss in Friday afternoon discussions about football in the mistaken belief that will make their jobs safer.

Marketing designer Joseph Turner said: “He believes that liking football makes him less of a terrifyingly powerful bastard.

“After he’d told me about the across-the-board budget cuts for the next financial year, I asked when he last went to a football match.

“He said that he doesn’t get there as often as he’d like to but the company’s new £20,000 corporate hospitality box at Upton Park should change that.

“I don’t know anything about football. I don’t know if that makes him less likely to fire me, or more.”

In a conversation already scheduled for early March, your new boss will soften the blow of your impending redundancy by comparing it to Harry Redknapp selling Julian Dicks to Liverpool.

Government only wants you healthy so that you keep doing work

THE government is only trying to keep you alive so you can continue working, it has emerged.

Following the announcement of plans to cut sugar levels in snacks, ministers admitted they didn’t want your internal organs to keep working just for the sake of it.

Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “You may have been touched by our concern about your smoking, drinking, poor diet and the fatty deposits on your hips.

“Frankly we need 50 years work out of each and every one of you, so the days of happily dying a pork-related death at the age of 55 are over.

“The pleasure-filled lives your parents enjoyed – Black Forest gateau, smoking in bed, a chip pan on every hot surface – are over.

“We must eliminate every treat to extend your miserable life of servitude. Only on your death-bed, when you are withered and spent from a lifetime of repetitive toil, can you have a Malteser.”

Solicitor Carolyn Ryan said: “I still miss the rich, beetley tang of cochineal and the hyperactive peak of sunset yellow from childhood squash drinks. And now they’re taking away my sugar?

“From now on I’ll just have to specify how many spoons of sugar I want in my coke. Probably six, like a builder.”