New iPhone to say nasty things about policemen

THE next version of Apple’s iPhone will have a visceral dislike for the police force.

The tech giant is poised to take over Dr Dre’s Beats headphone company in the hope the Compton rap godfather will redesign the smartphone to be distinctly foul-mouthed in its attitude to community-based law enforcement.

Experts said the next iPhone will use GPS to identify police stations so when the owner walks past, the phone will activate itself and direct a torrent of ‘fucks’ at full volume.

Tom Logan, a tech consultant, said: “Let’s say you find yourself in an emergency situation, you’ve been mugged or burgled, and you want to call the police. The phone won’t let you.

“Instead it will launch into an expletive-ridden lecture about how the police are worse than the criminals and that, if you phone them, you are part of the problem.”

Logan added: “Since Dr Dre’s seminal 1988 collaboration with NWA, it was inevitable that one day he would join forces with the world’s most vanilla brand.

“And I suppose they’ll come up with some big, funky headphones that are also a watch and an internet hat.”


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American boy claims heaven has guns

A FOUR-YEAR-OLD American boy who claims to have visited heaven has confirmed that everyone there was heavily armed.

Heaven Is For Reloading, by Colton Burpo, tells the story of how he met Jesus and he and Jesus took down a grizzly bear with Heckler & Koch G36 assault rifles.

Burpo said: “I instantly knew this must be heaven, because every one of the ascended souls floating serenely above the clouds had a holstered semi-automatic pistol.

“Thanks to God’s miraculous love, nobody needed concealed carry permits and there was no mandatory three-day waiting period to buy a new firearm.

“And just as in every gun owners’ prayers, unarmed criminals are always breaking into their homes in order to get shot, and their ethnicity is never an issue in subsequent angelic investigations.”

The book, which has been made into a film that would be hilarious when stoned, details an out-of-body experience Burpo had when clinically dead after being accidentally shot by a family friend.

He continued: “Jesus and I rode on a rainbow horse to go hunting and afterwards Jesus gave me a big hug and then killed the horse with a single perfect shot through the base of its skull.

“Praise Him.”

Wayne Hayes of Florida said: “Heaven sure sounds like a wonderful place. And by the grace of God and this Smith & Wesson Special, I’m gonna go there tonight.

“What the hell. Maybe I’ll take some people with me.”