No gender pay gap for interns earning bugger all

THE government has hailed the lack of any gender pay gap for unpaid interns as a ‘triumph for equality’. 

While institutions like the BBC struggle to close the pay gap between male and female stars, City firms companies are showing the way in paying young workers the square root of fuck-all, regardless of gender.

Norman Steele of brokers Knowles & Guyman said, “Here at the K&G family, we’re passionate about parity.

“So we ensure that all our interns, whether male, female, transgender or non-binary, receive a pay packet that is purely and cleanly empty without any hint of discrimination.

“We’re committed to breaking boundaries. No matter what the cost.”

21-year-old Nikki Hollis, who took a position at a national newspaper doing the coffee run, said: “It makes me feel empowered to know that I can look fellow interns who are male in the eyes and know that I am on exactly the same footing as them.

“Both of us at the end of the week can bask in the satisfaction that we’re both being equally ripped off. It’s called progress.”

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Gentrifier couple thrilled by short interaction with working class locals

AN EX-LONDON couple are very excited after a brief exchange with working class locals in their new area.

Tom and Sarah Booker, who probably have a website selling vintage jeans, moved from London to a traditionally less affluent area of Bristol and are both thrilled and scared by the ‘old school’ locals.

Tom Booker said: “There’s a local hardware shop that doesn’t even have a logo and sells really old-fashioned things like ‘moth repellent’ and ‘shovels’.

“The staff are a local family who probably like football and I asked them if they sold Apple chargers and they just said ‘no, sorry’. It was brilliant.

“They didn’t direct me to their website or their Twitter feed, or even try to charm me into buying something else.

“Then I was like ‘no problem, I can probably get it online’. Then the old guy returned to whatever he was doing ‘out back’ of the shop.”

Sarah Booker said: “After this I think we can definitely say we’ve fully integrated. We’re supporting local businesses and next we’ll be visiting the local un-renovated pub with no windows on the street side.”

Tom Booker added: “I’m not going in that pub.”