Nobody cares about your stupid career

NO-ONE gives a shit about your idiotic career so shut up about it, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies confirmed that plans for your working life are of zero interest to anyone except you and that all information about it should be kept to yourself.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If you are talking about your career, close your idiot mouth right now.

“You may be exhausted from doing long hours, because ‘that’s what it takes to get where I need to be’.

“Indeed you might feel under-valued by your manager, who was surprisingly harsh in her last appraisal despite that fact the you frequently stay until half eight and if she asks anyone they will confirm it.

“It’s even possible that you may have a plan to do another year in the London office and then get a transfer to Japan, which is apparently where the big money is. Or you may be earmarked for something or other.

“Nobody gives a fuck.

“You are a monkey crawling around on a rock, your nakedness covered with some stitched-together patches of fabric. In a few decades you will be dust.

“Nobody will remember how you smashed it at the client presentation in Cologne. Nobody even cares now.”

He said: “In two minutes’ time, you’ll be talking about your career again.”

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Coffee machine to join heavy metal band

THE coffee machine from a local cafe-bar is to join a heavy metal band, it has been confirmed.

The unlikely hook-up happened after the band Anathema dropped in to discuss album titles and heard just how ear-bleedingly loud the machine was.

Singer Stephen Malley said: “We had been looking for a way to make our sound somehow louder. When we visited that cafe for a brew and heard just how deafening that coffee machine was, we had to get it on board.

“I drew up a contract there and then, on a napkin.”

The coffee machine, currently working at City Cafe in Luton, will make aggressive grinding and whirring noises on Anathema’s new album Demon Fetus.

Cafe owner Mary Fisher added: “It’ll be a shame to see it go but you can’t stand in the way of your staff’s dreams.

“We’ve just asked it to send us some photos from its adventures on tour with the band. Nothing too explicit of course, we know what these musicians get up to on tour.”