Nutella 'meant to be rubbed into the skin'

CHOCOLATE spread Nutella is designed to be absorbed through the pores, it has emerged.

A spokesman said: “Nutella was intended to be a revolution in chocolate consumption, shielding the user from harmful UV rays while melting deliciously into the epidermis.

“For example you could rub it all over your back before a business meeting, and enjoy the feeling of absorbing delicious chocolate without having to clumsily stuff your mouth full of chunks.

“But instead people decided to have it on toast for breakfast, which is disgusting and odd.”

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All brands either annoying or evil

BIG brands are all either irritating or demonic, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies compiled a list of Britain’s top brands, and found that they either have wicked schemes against humanity or adverts that make you want to harm yourself.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “In the ‘obviously up to no good’ camp you have brands like the Conservatives, UKIP and any fizzy drink company.

“On the arguably even worse ‘annoying’ side you have smoothie makers, fucking Moonpig and Waitrose.

“Interestingly Apple straddles both sides, being simultaneously annoying and evil.”

He added: “It is ok to have a favourite book or film, but if you have a favourite brand you are the worst kind of moron.”