Ruins of Altavista and Friends Reunited now tourist attractions

THE abandoned, broken ruins of 1990s internet sites are popular destinations for tourists unable to believe that people once lived there.

Guides wearing the authentic period costumes of long-sleeved t-shirts, combat trousers and record bags explain that the remains of Altvista, MySpace and AskJeeves were once thriving metropolises with millions of unique visitors.

19-year-old Carolyn Ryan said: “They take you to an all-beige waiting room where the dial-up tone plays, a haunting melody from my early childhood.

“Then you’re released into the wild, unregulated internet. At first it’s a dizzying expanse of white, then it slowly begins to appear in horizontal chunks from the top down.

“Flashing text, visitor counters, the unironic use of multicoloured Comic Sans and everywhere the eerie, piping sound of 96mb MP3s downloaded through Napster and played on WinAmp.

“It was sort of beautiful.”

Guide Norman Steele said: “I warn people to keep clear of the swamp of GeoCities webrings and not to step on any Freeserve email addresses because, unbelievably, some of them are still occupied.

“It’s funny watching them get all nostalgic about what to them is a vanished time of wonder, while to those of us who lived through the 90s it was a era of harrowing misery we can never forget.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britain slowly deflating

The UK is facing deflation after suffering a slow puncture somewhere near Kidderminster, experts have confirmed.

The leak was discovered after residents complained that the ground was sinking underfoot and of a persistent hissing noise.

Bank of England governor Mark Carney said: “Like all island nations, the UK has to be constantly inflated to keep afloat.

“The workforce can bounce back from a short period of deflation, albeit less springily than they’re used to, but prolonged deflation will leave everyone uncomfortably bunched together in the middle of the country around Lancashire.

“Repair trucks containing a 400-square mile patch, 350,000 gallons of rubber cement and experts at spotting tiny strings of bubbles are currently travelling to the affected area.

“We are confident that we’ll soon locate the leak and won’t end up like Japan, which has been completely flat since the 1990s after they went down and then couldn’t find the valve.”