O'Leary, Warns Ba Boss

BRITISH Airlines staff have been told that Michael O’Leary will be made their new chief executive unless they call off their strike action.

The Ryanair boss was wheeled into the latest round of talks in a cage and then nodded at significantly by BA executives.

BA chief Willie Walsh said: "Let's see how they cope with 'Commodore Shamrock' pissing into the plane's fuel tanks while the airport is closed, then giggling like a five-year-old and running away.

"Y'see, despite running a moderately large airline, Michael is convinced his planes won't fly without a dash of his winkie juice.

"And cabin crew are expected to say a little prayer of thanks every flight, just before the safety announcement, for the great golden gift he's provided them."

A Ryanair spokesman insisted that O'Leary would remain head of the airline for the foreseeable future as he is halfway through his four-year plan to check behind every cloud in the sky in his search for the ghost of St Patrick.

He added: "When he does 'find him' he's going to ask whether he wants to be the pilot of a special plane he's having made out of Shannon peat.

"And by the way, if you work for BA you should know that yes, he has taken his medication. Today is one of the good days."


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BBC Denies Dr Who Cuts As New Monsters Include Some Cheese And A Stick

THE producer of Doctor Who has dismissed claims that new aliens, including Cheddron the Cheese, are the result of BBC budget cuts.

Stephen Moffat said adversaries in the forthcoming series would be as terrifying and vivid as ever, such as Stickros, Emperor of the Broken Sticks and Gerboid, a giant space mammal borrowed from the make-up woman's four year-old daughter.

Show insiders have claimed the new characters were the result of swingeing budget cuts which have left producers with barely enough money to cover the big explosion at the end of each episode.

Stephen Moffat said: "There's no truth in suggestions that we're just picking up objects lying around the set and adding 'oid' or 'ator' to the end of their name.

"It just so happens that we'd never previously realised how scary something like a stapler or a tangerine could look, especially if lit in an ominous way and voiced by Ricky Whittle."

Moffat revealed  the new series would include episodes with a more down to earth slant, veering away from massive space  battles to focus on the sort of everyday galactic issues to which the audience can relate.

He said: "In episode three, 'The Chambers of Gargafon', the Doctor will dramatically forget his pin number in a garage, while in episode six, 'Invasion of the Paltrassians', he is asked to intervene in a neighbourly dispute over a leylandii hedge which does not come to life at any point and reek the sort of tedious, big budget havoc that we are all so sick and tired of."

He added: "And if you're still not happy I do always retain the option of bringing back Sylvester McCoy.

"So don't fuck with me."