Osborne to close gap between private jet owners and private jet renters

PEOPLE who own private jets will face higher taxes in a bid to make the system fairer for people who just rent them.

Don't even look at it, you fucking prole

The measures will be outlined in tomorrow’s budget which Treasury sources stressed would focus, almost exclusively, on slashing the deficit using private air travel.

A Treasury minister said: “More than two private jets take off or land in Britain every hour, both of them completely untaxed.

“This massive reservoir of money can be used to keep the top rate of income tax at a level that stops the Conservative Party from having to tap dance in tube stations.

“What do you mean, is that all we’ve come up with? Fuck you.”

The move was welcomed by Denys Finch-Hatton, head of gratuitous life ruining at Barclays Private Capital and four time a year jet renter.

He said: “It’s about time private jet owners got a taste of what life is like for the rest of us.

“It’s very difficult trying to get on in the highly competitive world of inconceivable wealth when you are constantly being outshone by someone who’s not paying any tax on his jet.”

The ministerial source added: “Now some of you may well be asking why private jets weren’t taxed already?

“You even may be sitting in your tiny car, looking at the tax disc and saying, ‘what the fuck is that about?’.

“‘What in the name of shitting holy fuck on a tricycle is that about?’.

“‘Why in the name of Jesus c**ting Christ almighty were private bastarding jets not being taxed al-fucking-ready?’.

“The answer is that people who own private jets can also afford private detectives and private blackmail consultants.

“Either that or we just forgot.”