Osborne to close gap between private jet owners and private jet renters

PEOPLE who own private jets will face higher taxes in a bid to make the system fairer for people who just rent them.

The measures will be outlined in tomorrow’s budget which Treasury sources stressed would focus, almost exclusively, on slashing the deficit using private air travel.

A Treasury minister said: “More than two private jets take off or land in Britain every hour, both of them completely untaxed.

“This massive reservoir of money can be used to keep the top rate of income tax at a level that stops the Conservative Party from having to tap dance in tube stations.

“What do you mean, is that all we’ve come up with? Fuck you.”

The move was welcomed by Denys Finch-Hatton, head of gratuitous life ruining at Barclays Private Capital and four time a year jet renter.

He said: “It’s about time private jet owners got a taste of what life is like for the rest of us.

“It’s very difficult trying to get on in the highly competitive world of inconceivable wealth when you are constantly being outshone by someone who’s not paying any tax on his jet.”

The ministerial source added: “Now some of you may well be asking why private jets weren’t taxed already?

“You even may be sitting in your tiny car, looking at the tax disc and saying, ‘what the fuck is that about?’.

“‘What in the name of shitting holy fuck on a tricycle is that about?’.

“‘Why in the name of Jesus c**ting Christ almighty were private bastarding jets not being taxed al-fucking-ready?’.

“The answer is that people who own private jets can also afford private detectives and private blackmail consultants.

“Either that or we just forgot.”

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I kind of assumed you're trying to kill me, says Gaddafi

COLONEL Gaddafi last night decided to just go ahead and assume that we are actively trying to kill him.

As the prime minister argued with some chap whose job it is to do as he is jolly well told, the Libyan leader put on his thickest helmet and moved all his stuff into a cave.

Downing Street has insisted Gaddafi is a legitimate target, while defence chief General Sir David Richards said such a move would have no legal basis before making a pot of herbal tea and showing everyone his pressed flower collection.

A Downing Street source said: “The general’s not in charge. The prime minister is. There’s a word for when the general’s in charge. It’s ‘Egypt’.”

But analysts stressed that while both men had a point we really shouldn’t be discussing it like this as Colonel Gaddafi can probably hear every word.

Martin Bishop, senior research fellow at the Royal Institute of Fighting, said: “I would say in a loud voice that I was definitely not going to kill him and that he should go for a walk in a sparsely populated area while wearing a bright pink sombrero that can be seen from roughly 2000ft.

“If he then asked if this was just a ploy to get him out into the open so I could kill him I would reply ‘no, I just think that, what with all this stress, you could do with a bit of fresh air’.

“I would also reiterate that all we really want him to do is hand in his three month’s notice, at which point he is free to write his crazy memoirs or take up horribly disturbed watercolour painting.”

Meanwhile people across Britain said they were surprised to discover it takes more than three days to destroy everything in Libya.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “There does come a point at which you have to accept that you’re just bombing holes.”