Parking meter does not give change because it is operated by bastards

A MACHINE dispensing parking tickets does not give change purely because it is owned by mean-spirited scumbags.

The Institute for Studies found there was no compelling reason why the machine could not return any over-payment and was clearly the work of shits.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We’ve sent people into space, so I’m fairly certainly the technology exists to make small denomination coins come out of a slot.

“It’s just shameless bastardry.”

Professor Brubaker explained that people who pay for things have every right to expect the return of surplus payment.

He added: “Imagine the CEO of Parking Corp goes into a bookshop and purchases a £6.99 book, probably a manual about how to be a bigger bastard, with a tenner.

“Then they won’t give him his change because they ‘can’t’, despite having a till that is clearly full of change. He’d go apeshit and understandably so.

“But it would serve the bastard right.”

Parking Corp CEO Tom Booker said: “How those piles of pound coins gleam in the dank basement of my otherwise empty, silent mansion house.”

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Bez standing for Parliament completes the de-normalisation of Britain

BRITAIN is now fully abnormal after Bez, the Happy Mondays dancing man, decided to stand for Parliament.

The formerly spaced-out maraca soloist will stand in Salford on a platform of promoting permaculture, in what experts confirmed was the final piece in Britain’s ‘weirdness jigsaw’.

The move coincides with record breaking March temperatures, Noel Edmonds’ desire to purchase the BBC and the thing that is happening to David Moyes.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “What makes it even more unusual is that if you read his article in the Guardian Bez comes across as a thoughtful, intelligent person who has not passed through a mushroom-induced ‘stargate’ with Shaun Ryder. It’s as if his body is being used as a vessel.

“Perhaps ‘Bez’ – as  we understand the concept – really is an extra-terrestrial pod and the previous version of ‘Bez’ was just an experiment – on us.

“Either way, it’s all very odd.”