Pathetic, Inadequate Banking Regulations Not To Blame, Says Darling

THE near collapse of the UK banking system had nothing to do with the piece-of-shit regulations that govern it, chancellor Alistair Darling will claim today.

In his annual speech at the Mansion House the chancellor will insist that nothing bad will ever happen again as long as everyone makes the right decisions all the time.

Mr Darling will tell Britain's financial bosses: "In future, when the head of the FSA makes a decision I want him to ask himself, 'is this the right decision, or is it the wrong decision?'. I don't see how that can possibly fail."

But experts said the chancellor's comments once again raised the serious question of whether the Labour Party wants us all dead.

Economist Bill McKay said: "The system went into meltdown without any of the regulations being broken at any time whatsoever. Therefore, you might expect the person in charge of the regulations to at least wonder if they're the right ones."

He added: "Alistair Darling is really starting to frighten the shit out of me."

Tom Logan, banking analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Put it this way, if the speed limit is 70 then you're going to assume it's okay to drive at 70. And who sets the speed limit? I'll give you a clue – it's not the Royal Bank of Scotland."

He added: "A good example is the credit rating system which gave so-called 'toxic-assets' a triple-A rating when they were, in fact, just a load of manky old shopping bags filled with bottles of piss.

"And it's also quite difficult for the head of the FSA to make the right decisions when the government is telling him to lay off so that everyone can have 18 credit cards and feel good about themselves.

"When, in the name the fuck, is the general election?"

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Ba Offers Free Adventure Holidays At Airports

BRITISH Airways is giving UK tourists the chance of a free adventure holiday performing menial unpaid tasks at Heathrow's terminal five.

BA chief executive Willie Walsh described the offer as 'a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity' as he unveiled the latest stage in the company's strategy of getting people to work for no money.

He added: "Most holidaymakers have to settle for a fortnight on a sun-kissed beach, never knowing what it's like to part of the glamourous, jet-set aviation industry, where everything is beautiful.

"But few experiences can compare to the thrill of putting tags on luggage while fat sweaty bastards scream at you about things that clearly aren't your fault."

Holidaymakers will also get the chance to carry a clipboard and tell long queues of angry people they are going to be sleeping on the floor for the next two days because no-one has hoovered their plane.

The free offer includes luxury accommodation on a hard plastic chair, while children under five will get to ride around in one of those buggies with the flashing lights, just as soon as they have wiped down the urinals.

Walsh said: "Airports are overlooked as holiday destinations, because people forget just how much there is to do. You can stand around reading car magazines in WH Smiths, browse leather effect wallets in Tie Rack or simply go to the toilet over and over again."

BA's airport holidaymakers will have to pay £10 for breakfast, but they will be able to enjoy it in the comfortable surroundings of O'Hanlon's Irish pub alongside terrifying groups of burly men drinking pints of Stella Artois at 7am.

Martin Bishop, from Stratford, decided to sign his family up for the scheme because he is a big fan of the Tom Hanks movie The Terminal.

He added: "It's been a bit disappointing. The shifts are exhausting and when I asked management if my eldest could have a free go on House of the Dead 2 as a reward for running passport control they called me a shitheel."