Pepsi to corner foul-mouthed adulterer market

COCA-Cola has left the door open for Pepsi to corner the soft drinks market for sweary whore-mongers.

The drinks giant said it wanted to focus on building the Coke brand in the polite, faithful bore sector, currently dominated by Lucozade Sport.

Martin Bishop, fizzy drinks analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “This is Pepsi’s big chance. Expect to see a series of adverts with young men going at it hammer and tongs in a Travelodge with some boozy skank, or perhaps something simple like the words ‘Pepsi’ and ‘Fuck You’ alternating to a thrash-metal soundtrack.

“It seems a strange move by Coke given the sheer number of young people who can construct entire sentences using nothing but explicit sexual swear words and want to hump anything that moves.”

It is Coca-Cola’s second foray into the clean-living market after its 2001 bid to make Fanta the natural home of people who found Tango adverts to be dangerously subversive and with sinister, gay undertones.

Meanwhile Pepsi could face a stubborn challenge from Vimto and Tizer, two brands associated with men who live in their own filth and believe every aspect of life should be as disgusting as humanly possible.

Bishop said: “A Tizer man will see Pepsi as trying too hard. If they want to grab the Tizer market they may have introduce some kind of ring-pull based prostitute give-away.

“The only two brands that have little to worry about are Dr Pepper, bought by people who think it’s some kind of political statement, and Lilt, bought by weirdos.”

But Bishop stressed that Pepsi would inevitably have to settle for being the world’s second most sordid non-alcoholic beverage, after Orangina.

He added: “Pepsi can throw money at it all day, but it’ll never be French.”

 

 

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Adele created by 'shit women go on about' brainstorming session

RECORDING phenomenon Adele is the result of some men writing a list of woman-friendly things on a whiteboard, it has emerged.

Record label executive Tom Logan revealed the singer was invented during a product development brainstorming session entitled, ‘The Sort of Shit Women Go On About’.

He said: “We quickly built up a list of  stuff, including ‘heartbreak’, ‘feelings’ and ‘yeast infections. Some idiot said ‘pavements’ as a joke which actually pissed me off ’cause I was trying to be serious, but I wrote it down anyway.

“Then, after a short cocaine break, we explored each of these sub-headings.

“By mid afternoon we had the track titles for what would become Adele’s first album, but no notion of who or what would sing it.

“Our first thought was some skinny blonde with big tits who pretends to be bisexual, but then this other bloke, Dan, said that if we were going to sell this to women in supermarkets it should be someone who looks like they aren’t going to steal their husband.

“A big girl. Fucking genius.”

However when Logan looked through the company’s rolodex of potential female voice providers, he found there were no big girls available.

He added: “I thought, ‘well, these bitches may appeal to my mighty penis but they won’t shift units to real women with real women’s issues and whatever’. There was this one bird, Adele, but she was only seven stone.

“Then it hit me – put her in a fat suit.”

Logan is now looking for new projects after being sacked for staring at breasts while biting his lower lip.