Petrol prices 'not caused by haunted pumps'

THE high cost of petrol may not be caused by poltergeists, it has emerged

Oil companies had insisted that fuel prices were high because of mischievous ghosts who lived in petrol pumps and could only get into heaven by increasing the cost of living.

And before the discovery of the first haunted forecourt, the companies said the price was dictated by ‘international moods’ or an algorithm based on the number of carbon molecules per litre, multiplied by the square root of the weather.

But now it has been claimed that the price of petrol is based on oil executives all agreeing to charge the same large amount of money.

Julian Cook, professor of price deciding at Roehampton University, said: “We can’t rule out ghosts just yet, but the idea that the price could be based on whatever they all want it to be is worthy of further inquiry.”

But Professor Cook said that any price fixing by the oil companies would have been incredibly complex and would have had to involve three key factors:

The desire to make vast amounts of money;

Unbridled contempt for the public;

And a series phone calls or emails.

He added: “At this stage it is no more than a theory that these three factors could even co-exist.

“For the time being, always remember to carry your your anti-poltergeist triangle.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, you probably know the same people I do.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After catching yourself remarking on this summer’s terrible weather, you plead temporary inanity.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A survey in your office found that 90% of staff thought Michael Gove was eight stone of fetus-faced piss. You have forwarded your findings to his department.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
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Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
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Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
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Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On long, dull motorway journeys why not relieve the monotony by imagining the brief rush of adrenaline you’d experience by swinging your car across three lanes into the central reservation.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
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Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
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Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
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Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
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Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Out of memory. Please delete another astrologer to see the rest of this horoscope.