ROCKETING petrol prices mean it is still the only thing at a service station that you can reasonably afford, according to new research.
A gallon of unleaded petrol from Roadtheft now costs Â£157,843 and 82 pence, Â£2 less than a king size Mars Bar and a Traditional Cornish Horse Perineum flavour Gutster’s pasty.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “However remorselessly the oil companies might be sodomising hapless motorists, they are kindly, tapestry-loving spinsters compared to the blobs of evil, treacly filth that operate the nation’s motorway rest stops.
“Clearly they are businesses, and as such beholden to the principles of free market economics, except that it’s not a free market because they have no competition thereby giving them licence to create these febrile hell-pits peddling the very shittest of the shit at prices that, at first, seem to be hallucinations.
“According to our research most of them used to run old folks’ homes. Shockerooni.”
Motorist Emma Bradford said: “After a long and tiring journey I decided to splash out on some pick’n’mix for my eight year-old son. I believe I got three sickly bananas, a shrimp and a block of fudge.
“‘I ended up having to dance for them and then leave my son there as a deposit. Unless I can find the money by next Tuesday they’re going to sell him to an Irish priest.”
A spokesperson for the Wealthy Break motorway services chain said: “Any issues with individual outlets can be addressed to the manager, whose contact number and gormless, dead-eyed face is clearly advertised by the bogs.
“Or you could always just go fuck yourselves in the rear.”