Petrol Still Most Reasonably-Priced Thing At Service Stations

ROCKETING petrol prices mean it is still the only thing at a service station that you can reasonably afford, according to new research.

A gallon of unleaded petrol from Roadtheft now costs £157,843 and 82 pence, £2 less than a king size Mars Bar and a Traditional Cornish Horse Perineum flavour Gutster’s pasty.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “However remorselessly the oil companies might be sodomising hapless motorists, they are kindly, tapestry-loving spinsters compared to the blobs of evil, treacly filth that operate the nation’s motorway rest stops.

“Clearly they are businesses, and as such beholden to the principles of free market economics, except that it’s not a free market because they have no competition thereby giving them licence to create these febrile hell-pits peddling the very shittest of the shit at prices that, at first, seem to be hallucinations.

“According to our research most of them used to run old folks’ homes. Shockerooni.”

Motorist Emma Bradford said: “After a long and tiring journey I decided to splash out on some pick’n’mix for my eight year-old son. I believe I got three sickly bananas, a shrimp and a block of fudge.

“‘I ended up having to dance for them and then leave my son there as a deposit. Unless I can find the money by next Tuesday they’re going to sell him to an Irish priest.”

A spokesperson for the Wealthy Break motorway services chain said: “Any issues with individual outlets can be addressed to the manager, whose contact number and gormless, dead-eyed face is clearly advertised by the bogs.

“Or you could always just go fuck yourselves in the rear.”


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Naomi Campbell 'Slaughtered Thousands'

SUPERMODEL Naomi Campbell was at the head of a brutal war machine that slaughtered thousands, it was claimed last night.

In a dramatic day during her trial at the Hague, the former face of Ralph Lauren Polo Sport was accused of genocide by Frank Sinatra’s ex-wife.

Mrs Sinatra told the court: “I personally saw her set fire to 200 villages. Nelson Mandela and I tried to stop her but she hit us with a mobile phone. I was in Rosemary’s Baby. Everyone said I was very good.”

Sinatra and Campbell’s former agent, Carole White, also claimed the supermodel funded her carnage with so-called ‘blood diamonds’ that she would hand out to dimwitted African politicians in the hope of quick, dirty sex.

White said: “So many times she would come in from a day’s slaughtering, wash the blood off her face and demand to be set up with some airhead dictator she met at a charity event.”

Campbell fronted the Ralph Lauren Polo Sport campaign in the late 1990s but soon used it as a launch pad to declare war on neighbouring brands such as Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger.

Prosecutors claim she could be responsible for the deaths of up to 20,000 people from rival magazine spreads.

The trial also heard from Charles Taylor, the Liberian MP and charity activist, who claimed that Campbell tried to bribe him into having sex with her after a fund-raising dinner in South Africa.

Taylor said: “She gave me a bag of little stones and then pointed at her groin and licked her lips.

“I was upset and immediately sent the diamonds to Switzerland for safe keeping along with some unwanted money that I had recently found in the Liberian Treasury.”

He added: “I didn’t want to come here today but the world needs to know that Naomi Campbell is a monster.”