My Big Gap Year: Chelsea's Bristols

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Monday: Washington DC

THIS week finds me in the totally lavish set of the West Wing: Washington DC. Coming to such an important world venue has really made me think about the state of political affairs and I must admit I’m now addicted to the fortunes of the republicans and the democrats.

What better place to ponder the future of this great nation than at the actual feet of Abraham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial? It’s the mark of the man that he was able to sit for so long to have this sculpture done – it is literally the biggest thing I have ever seen. One time, my mate Shelley did a sculpture of just my head for GCSE Art and it took like two and half hours – fucking excruciating, especially as she wanted me to look classy so I had to smoke John Players for the entire time. I’ll never understand how she got into Art College. In that regard, Lincoln had it easy and should be grateful his sculptor wasn’ some ditsy weirdo with a tattoo of Ricky Tomlinson on her calf.   

If I was Sarah Palin I would be going ballistic about the Clinton wedding bash – especially when compared with the totally embarrassing love-life of Bristol. American politicians love England because of all the help we’ve provided during wars and oil spills so they’re always keen to name their children after random areas of the country. But the Democrats are faring better in this competition because, as far as I know, my great uncle Rod never refers to his carer’s breasts as ‘Chelseas’. The Palin family have really got to be careful or people won’t take them seriously. All it’s going to take is for Sarah to name her next daughter ‘Fanny’ or ‘Clit’ and she’ll be out the race completely.

You see, the Democrats have much better organisational skills than the Republicans. Chelsea Clinton is living the dream: setting an example to all young women by doing all her drug binges and booze fuelled sexual catastrophes well before becoming an adult and settling down with a nice yet not too attractive Jewish banker. Bristol by comparison is totally shambolic and has already skipped to the baby part except it was with some hockey knob from school and they’ve broken up for like the third time in a year because he shagged some other schoolgirls and got them pregnant too. These are poor organisational skills. No one will ever win an election with this strategy. The Palin family’s bedroom is a total state I bet.

Yes, it’s lucky the Democrats are in charge around here. Barack got super angry about the oil spill. The republicans would never have got round to such anger and the whole country would have descended into chaos by now. The effect of this would be simply unfathomable – there certainly wouldn’t have been a third season of True Blood. Thank God and Abraham Lincoln there is. And that’s what Washington DC is the greatest city in the world!


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Football Teams Renew Made-Up Hostilities

MANCHESTER United and Chelsea have successfully relaunched their totally fictitious rivalry.

The two clubs fought a heavily-contested Community Shield match that nevertheless failed to contain a single booking, with United eventually being crowned the top team out of the two playing that particular match.

United have now earned the right to dub themselves the Communityist Shielders in English football for the next 12 months.

After the match, Manchester executive Sir Alex Ferguson stoked up the rivalry between the subsection of the Premier league he is employed to oversee and the other subsection that do exactly the same thing as his employees do but in blue clothes.

Sir Alex said: “As any person that has formulated an arbitrary and specious justification to align themselves with the company I work for will tell you, Chelsea are an organisation whose ability to fulfil their 90 minutes’ worth of obligations a week is quite prodigious.

“As such, they will feel an inordinate amount of enmity toward them in a way they’re never quite able to justify or quantify.

“But I feel I can ask my staff to stand in specific places on a field and kick the ball in particular ways better than they can.â€

But Chelsea’s Ian Ancelotti has hit back at Ferguson’s claims in a furious tirade, adding: “Our company has the best set of people who pay money to watch our staff do their job in the world.

“I am confident that, come next May, they will have watched them successfully complete this work more often than Mr Ferguson’s company.”