Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ll spend most of Monday trying to remember the first name of Poirot. It’s a Herculean task.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You hate it when your pee smells like asparagus but it is your own fault for peeing on asparagus.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
An average man’s cumberbatch is about a teaspoon’s worth.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Despite claiming to have an exhaustive selection of products, FunkyPigeon.com don’t appear to have a ‘Make another one of those twatting adverts and I’ll hunt you down like a war criminal’ card.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you find yourself claiming I’m just saying what we’re all thinking a lot, there’s a strong possibility we’re all thinking you’re an arsehole.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
On Sunday, why not have a lie in? After all, the shop whose doorway you sleep in is closed.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Despite your assertion that everyone in work thinks you’re a diva, they actually just think you’re a div.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On rough Autumn nights like this there’s nothing nicer than curling up on the sofa with a cat on your lap, an old movie on the TV and a nice warm bowl of crack on the go.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
They say you can tell how a man has sex by the way he dances and that’s true for you because the last time you danced, it was eight years ago, you were drunk and it was on your wedding night.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You insist on wearing a proper chef’s hat to work, not because you are a chef but because you have mental health issues.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You are surprised to hear the ceramic poppies at the Tower Of London, marking the soldiers of World War 1, haven’t got a job or anywhere to stay once they’ve served their purpose. But on reflection it seems strangely appropriate.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This is the week when every gamble will pay off. Actually, no, that was last week.