Phone shop workers not really gurus or geniuses

SPOTTY 19-year-olds who know a bit about smartphones should have more appropriate job titles, it has been claimed.

Consumer affairs campaigner Tom Booker said: “My phone has been playing up so I took it back to the shop to see if they could have a look.

“The girl didn’t know what was wrong with it so she recommended that I go and see one of their gurus.

“I was kind of imagining a Maharishi type with flowing robes and visible magenta aura but then this spotty teenager with those massive hole things in his ears came out and I just thought, ‘Fuck off’.’

“In any other job he’d be the tea boy.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ll spend most of Monday trying to remember the first name of Poirot. It’s a Herculean task. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You hate it when your pee smells like asparagus but it is your own fault for peeing on asparagus.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
An average man’s cumberbatch is about a teaspoon’s worth.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Despite claiming to have an exhaustive selection of products, don’t appear to have a ‘Make another one of those twatting adverts and I’ll hunt you down like a war criminal’ card.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you find yourself claiming “I’m just saying what we’re all thinking” a lot, there’s a strong possibility we’re all thinking you’re an arsehole.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
On Sunday, why not have a lie in? After all, the shop whose doorway you sleep in is closed.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Despite your assertion that everyone in work thinks you’re a diva, they actually just think you’re a div.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On rough Autumn nights like this there’s nothing nicer than curling up on the sofa with a cat on your lap, an old movie on the TV and a nice warm bowl of crack on the go.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
They say you can tell how a man has sex by the way he dances and that’s true for you because the last time you danced, it was eight years ago, you were drunk and it was on your wedding night.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You insist on wearing a proper chef’s hat to work, not because you are a chef but because you have mental health issues.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You are surprised to hear the ceramic poppies at the Tower Of London, marking the soldiers of World War 1, haven’t got a job or anywhere to stay once they’ve served their purpose. But on reflection it seems strangely appropriate.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This is the week when every gamble will pay off. Actually, no, that was last week.