Racist cake orders up 2,000 per cent

SPECIALITY bakers across the country are struggling to cope with a record demand for horribly racist cakes.

The ‘blackface’ cake which has caused controversy in Sweden has proved overwhelmingly popular in England, with thousands of orders from police stations, national newspapers and nursing homes.

Baker Francesca Johnson said: “Our elderly customers call them Golliwog cakes. They want to devour one as a last act of politically incorrect defiance before death grabs them by the wrist.

“I’ve hired four new staff and tripled my order of black food colouring and giant cherry lips. We don’t have time to do the fine sculpting on the faces but it turns out the cruder and more offensive the caricature, the more people like it.”

Golf clubs and Women’s Institutes have also placed thousands of orders while the Daily Telegraph has launched a discounted reader offer as part of its campaign to make racial discrimination a bit of harmless fun like it was in the 1970s.

Meanwhile, Prince Philip has told the Buckingham Palace kitchen that if he does not get one at 4pm every afternoon someone is going to turn up dead.

Helen Archer, who ordered a cake in the shape of a dancing Zulu tribesman for her mother’s 85th birthday, said: “She’s forgotten almost everything except her racism so this will bring a huge smile to her demented face.

“The Telegraph wants to do a photo of her stabbing at it with a bayonet.”


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MPs demand web porn ban so they can get on with some work

POLITICIANS have called for tough curbs on the internet pornography that is distracting them from running the country.

MPs want a system where computer users would have to ‘opt in’ to view adult websites, which they believe would prevent themselves spending long afternoons on xhamster instead of debating important legislation.

Tory MP Tom Logan said: “The easy accessibility of porn means that lovely, lovely girls are only ever a click away, beckoning you with a crimson-nailed fingertip when you should be replying to a constituent’s unhinged and yet immensely tedious email about the hosepipe ban.

“Porn has become too good to ignore throughout the working day. Couple this with the well-established fact that politicians are a highly-sexed breed and it’s no wonder this country is peering into the abyss.

“Have you seen X-Art? It’s properly tasteful and well-produced, there’s shots of candles and the girls don’t get choked.

“And most days I have to look at MILFHunter just to see if Sally Bercow’s on there yet. It’s only a matter of time.”

Liberal democrat Roy Hobbs said: “Certainly porn affects my productivity, but I don’t think this is an issue if it’s British porn, like Ben Dover’s Cheek Mates or any films that look as if they were shot in the parts department of a Huddersfield garage.

“As long as you’ve entered your credit card details, you’re buying British.”