RBS says relocation is scare story and true story

RBS said it will definitely move to London after independence, but admitted that must be really scary for Alex Salmond.

Tornadoes: Scary and true

The Royal Bank of Scotland confirmed it will no longer be based in Scotland if Scotland becomes the sort of country that should really have a royal bank.

A spokesman said: “We’re 81% owned by the UK government so it’s not like we’re going to move to Hawaii.

“So, London it is. We are definitely going.”

But SNP leader Alex Salmond said: “No you’re not.”

The spokesman added: “Yes we are. We’ve just said so.”

Salmond insisted: “No, you’re not. You’re just trying to scare people.”

The spokesman said: “We’re not actually trying to scare people, we’re running a business. But if people are scared, it’s probably because it’s a bit scary.

“Because it’s true.”

Salmond then accused the spokesman of working for MI6 before producing an ‘incriminating dossier’ consisting of random cuttings from local newspapers.

The RBS spokesman said: “Is everything okay?”


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Your first day as a vicar on Monday will be a baptism of fire. As a result it will be your last day, too.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
So somebody finds a shawl with the jizz of Jack The Ripper on it and two days later Kate Middleton is pregnant? Coincidence?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Embarrassment on Saturday at a gig when you put your hands in the air but accidentally wave them like you really do care.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If the show ‘Catfish’ has taught you anything, it’s that Google exists.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your comedy DVDs are in the shed and your music mags are in your bedroom. You keep your Friends close but your NMEs closer.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will try to convince people that an angry dog walked into the church during George RR Martin’s christening.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
To all Scottish Aries, this is your last horoscope because by the end of next week you’ll all have starved to death.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The idea that there’s safety in numbers is tested this week when Carol Vorderman kicks the shit out of you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Tuesday you forget to log out of Facebook and your friend starts posting idiotic, racist comments in your name for a laugh. Nobody will notice the difference.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
‘Pulling an all-nighter at your computer’ takes on a very different meaning for you, considering you’re unemployed. Buy hand cream.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Hot Young Women Waiting To Chat In Your Area! Not to you, though, obviously.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not sure whether to get the iPhone 6 with the U2 album pre-loaded, or pay the extra £100 to get the one without it.