Receipts for cash-in-hand work to be signed ‘Sweeney Todd’

TRADESMEN have said they are happy to give receipts for cash jobs provided they can use ridiculous fake names.

Gardener Roy Hobbs said: “Labour are absolutely right, cash-in-hand work should be documented and I always offer receipts signed either ‘Roland Rat’ or ‘Donny from New Kids on The Block’.

“Obviously I don’t put my own name, because then I would have to pay tax.

“I’m not an idiot.”

Householder Margaret Gerving said: “If I suspected that a large, intimidating tradesman had put a fake name like ‘Frankenstein’ on a receipt I would definitely challenge him.

“Actually on reflection, I would not do that.”

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Perfect cup of tea renders all other tea pointless

A FLAWLESS cup of tea has made further tea-making redundant, it has been claimed.

Forklift driver Roy Hobbs was reduced to tears after making the hot drink that delivered on all levels.

He said: “As soon as it touched my lips I was struck by the revelation that true beauty can exist in an imperfect world.

“I cannot recall doing anything different to normal – cup, bag, milk, water, sugar. But somehow I just did it all that vital fraction better.”

Scientist Susan Traherne said: “Unfortunately Roy drank most of the tea before alerting authorities, however tests on the cold dregs have revealed they are like the brown milky tears of Christ.

“It may prove Plato’s theory of Perfect Forms, where the absolute ideal of everything has the potential to exist.

“As an accompaniment to the perfect form of a brew we will need the perfect form for Hob Nobs which I’ve long suspected are, in fact, Hob Nobs.”

Office worker Joanne Kramer said: “Another dream crushed, now I have to switch to coffee which gives me a rash.”