VICARS should remove their dog collars before attempting to rub themselves against choirboys, according to new guidelines.
The move follows a series of incidents in which clergymen have been identified after performing advanced frottage on blonde-haired 12 year-olds.
A spokesman for the British Association of Vicars, Parsons and Priests (BAVPARP) said: "Men of God have always been easy targets for those whose real agenda is to beat up Jesus.
"In recent years however, we have noticed a trend towards investigating, charging, prosecuting and convicting clergymen who express their love of Christ through playful rubbing and touching.
"Therefore we are advising our members to discard any Christ-based items of clothing and pretend to be a Dutch lorry driver named 'Ruudi'."
Bill McKay, professor or theology at Glasgow Clyde University, said: "The dog collar used to signify moral authority and a communion with Jesus.
"These days it says 'I'm going to chase you round the vestry and then tell your parents you love Satan'."
BAVPARP said vicars should continue to wear the collar during services, home visits and crazy sex parties.