Retail arm of bank in love with investment arm

THE UK’s banks have pleaded not to be broken up because they are deeply in love.

Officials say the banks need to separate into high street and investment operations, but the banks say that without each other they would end up getting cats.

A spokesman for Barclays said: “For the high street banks, bored of the mechanical deposit and withdrawal, it’s exciting to be felt-up by a risk-taker who has just shorted a load of yen.

“And the investment bank, for all his wide-boy ways, loves the security the retail bank gives him. Plus, of course, he relies on her for money.”

Customer Susan Traherne said: “High street banks should have more self-respect, but it’s hard when you’re such a dumb bitch you can’t even cancel a direct debit.”


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Attention-seeking weather told to grow-up

BRITAIN’S insecure, attention-seeking climate has been told to get a grip.

The weather followed-up the hysterical heatwave melodrama with a noisy, childish display of thunder and lightning which experts described as ‘pathetic’.

Martin Bishop, from the Met Office, said: “We’re sick of it. I stand on the roof every day, trying to reason with it, but all I get back is infantile sulking or lots of ‘look at me! look at me!’.

“It’s classic, self-absorbed bullshit. Anyway, we’re going to stop doing forecasts, otherwise we’re just giving it what it wants.

“The only way the climate is ever going to change is if we ignore it completely.”